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Subiect: Si daca tot e vineri [2]

  1. #21
    Data înscrierii
    26.08.2005
    Locație
    United States
    Posturi
    8.351
    Putere Rep
    42

    Implicit

    La spitalul de nebuni, un "glumet" pescuia de zor cu un bat si o sfoara intr-un lighean cu apa. La un moment dat, vazandu-l, un doctor il intreaba:
    - Merge pescuitul? Ai prins ceva?
    - Da, tu esti primul, doctore.
    .................................................. ...............
    Doi emiri stau de vorba:
    - Auzi , da' tu cum alegi seara dintre cele treizeci de concubine ale tale, cu care sa te culci?
    - Eh, simplu, arunc peste ele o galeata cu apa rece si o aleg pe cea din care iese cel mai mult abur!
    .................................................. ..............
    Tiganca intarzie. La sosirea ei, tiganul, nervos, o intreaba:
    - Unde-ai fost, fa?
    - La servici.
    - Fa, te rup! Pana la ora asta, la servici?
    - Taci, omule, c-am luat salariul si am fost la piata, la cumparaturi.
    - Si ce ai cumparat, fa?
    - Ete asta am cumparat, zice tiganca si ii arata o lingura de lemn.
    - Auzi, fa, fir-ai a dracu', noi n-avem bani de-o tuica si tu cumperi mobila de bucatarie?
    .................................................. ....................

  2. #22
    Data înscrierii
    01.06.2006
    Locație
    "The Spirit of America"
    Posturi
    2.964
    Putere Rep
    27

    Implicit

    Mamico, astazi in autobuz, tata m-a pus sa cedez locul unei
    domnisoare...
    - Foarte bine puiu' lu' mama, asa trebuie sa faci!
    - Da mamico, da' io stateam in bratele lu' tata...

    __________________________________________________

    Parintii aduc la doctor o fetita care de la o vreme avea un permanent ranjet tembel pe figura.
    -Domnul doctor, nu stim ce are de rinjeste asa...
    Doctorul o consulta, se gandeste cateva momente si apoi zice:
    -Dar coditele ati incercat sa i le slabiti?

    __________________________________________________ __

    Un om cade de pe o schela...Singurul martor la accident este un copil. Un politist vine si-l întreaba:
    -Ma copile de ce a cazut omul ala de pe schela?
    -Pai l-a batut D-zeu.
    -De ce l-a batut D-zeu?
    -Ca a înjurat..
    -De ce a înjurat?
    -F***-ti ***** de copil, nu mai scutura schela!!!
    "Nu spera când vezi miseii * La izbânda facând punte, * Te-or întrece nataraii, * De ai fi cu stea în frunte; * Teama n-ai, cata-vor iarasi * Intre dânsii sa se plece, * Nu te prinde lor tovaras: * Ce e val, ca valul trece." Eminescu-Glossa

  3. #23
    Data înscrierii
    26.11.2008
    Locație
    Toronto, Canada
    Posturi
    240
    Putere Rep
    13

    Talking

    Bancuri nascute in comunism, intr-un TOP realizat in democratie!


    In comunism , oamenii treceau mai usor peste acele vremuri daca faceau haz de necaz! Vezi un top cu bancuri de atunci:

    10) Ce-a fost inainte: oul sau gaina? Mai inainte au fost de toate. (cules pe 12 noiembrie 1979)

    9) Ce-i mai rece si mai rece decat apa rece? Apa calda. (17 ianuarie 1985)

    8) Cand a plecat de-acasa, Prunariu i-a lasat mamei un bilet pe masa: „Am plecat in Cosmos. Vin peste o saptamana”. Cand vine, gaseste pe masa un bilet de la maica-sa: „Am plecat dupa branza. Nu stiu cand vin”. (26mai 1981)

    7) Un tip trecea pe strada tinand in mana, cu mare grija, un sul de hartie igienica. Trecatorii il priveau invidiosi, iar unul chiar l-a intrebat: „Nu va suparati, de unde l-ati luat?”, „Acum cateva minute l-am scos de la Nufarul...”

    6) La usa unui apartament suna un pusti: „Tanti, ai facut supa?”, „Da, puisor, vrei sa gusti si tu?”, „Nu, multumesc”, „Atunci, de ce-ai venit?”,„Te roaga mama sa ne imprumuti si noua osul”. (6 decembrie 1982)

    5) Din dispozitia lui Ceausescu s-au facut experimentari si incrucisari de meri, pentru a se crea un soi de mar pitic, de numai 50 de cm, pe care sa-l poata culege si "Soimii Patriei". (28 septembrie 1983)

    4) Ultima dorinta a romanilor, privind familia Ceausescu: sa moara Nicolae, iar Elena sa traiasca din meditatii la chimie! (28 decembrie 1988)

    3) De ce a luat comuna Scornicesti titlul de „Erou al noii revolutii agrare”? Pentru ca a crescut cel mai mare bou.

    2) De ce n-a luat si comuna Petresti titlul de „Erou al noii revolutii agrare”? Pentru ca anul acesta nu s-a acordat titlul si pentru cea mai mare vaca. (3 ianuarie 1987)

    1) Un militian prinde o pereche facand dragoste intr-un boschet. Ii duce la sectie si, de aici, in fata tribunalului. La proces, fata e felicitata pentru patriotism si baiatul pentru initiativa. Militianul e arestat pentru intrerupere ilegala de sarcina. (17 martie 1984)





    --

  4. #24
    Data înscrierii
    09.12.2003
    Locație
    Chicago & Constanta
    Posturi
    13.491
    Putere Rep
    10

    Implicit

    Sotia isi intreaba sotul:
    - Cu cate femei te-ai culcat?
    Sotul raspunde:
    - Numai cu tine, draga mea. Cu celelalte am stat treaz.
    ---------------------------
    Un student la inginerie sta lânga un catarg în curtea Universitatii. Dupa un timp vine un coleg student la limba româna si îl întreaba:
    -Ce faci colega?
    -Am primit ca tema de la rector sa masor înaltimea catargului si tocmai ma gândeam cu ce formula as putea face asta mai bine.
    -O secunda spune studentul la limba româna. Scoate catargul din suport îl întinde pe pamânt si cu o ruleta îl masoara.
    -Exact 7 metri! Dupa care pune catargul la loc în suport si pleaca.
    La care viitorul inginer:
    -Filologii astia!...noi vorbim de înaltime si el masoara lungimea...
    -----------------------------
    De ce nu se asculta manele in Elvetia? R : Pentru ca sunt neutri si n-au dusmani.

  5. #25
    Data înscrierii
    26.11.2008
    Locație
    Toronto, Canada
    Posturi
    240
    Putere Rep
    13

    Implicit

    GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN

    Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa . Half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally beautiful!

    Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe . Well developed and
    open to trade, especially for someone of real value.

    Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain , very hot , relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.

    Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece , gently aging
    but still a warm and desirable place to visit.

    Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain,
    with a glorious and all conquering past.

    Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel, has been through war, doesn't make the same mistakes twice, takes care of business.

    Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada,
    self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.

    After 70, she becomes Tibet . Wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages....
    An adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge..



    THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN

    Between 1 and 80, a man is like Iran , ruled by nuts.

  6. #26
    Data înscrierii
    03.09.2005
    Locație
    La La Land
    Posturi
    2.665
    Putere Rep
    10

    Implicit

    Si pentru ca tot e vineri,ceva hazliu cu "Crazy Romanian Waiter"



    Smile…It confuses people..!!



  7. #27
    Data înscrierii
    18.12.2003
    Locație
    Canada
    Posturi
    1.392
    Putere Rep
    28

    Implicit anybody heard about Hungary?

    ce ti-e si cu omonimele...



    Macar sa fi incercat Romania...
    When the going gets tough, the tough get going
    Nu stiu ce-nseamna, da'mi place cum suna.

  8. #28
    Data înscrierii
    17.09.2009
    Locație
    chicago
    Posturi
    89
    Putere Rep
    11

    Implicit

    Un beduin in desert. Nu-i mai mergea dromaderul Vede o firma 'SERVICE-DROMADER' - Dom' mecanic, nu mai merge camila! - Nu-i nimic, urcati-o pe rampa! Mecanicu' ia doua caramizi, prinde c***ele dromaderului si...pac!!! - Dom mecanic, eu cum mai prind camila? - Urca pe rampa!
    everything happens for a reason!

  9. #29
    Data înscrierii
    17.09.2009
    Locație
    chicago
    Posturi
    89
    Putere Rep
    11

    Implicit

    everything happens for a reason!

  10. #30
    Data înscrierii
    26.11.2008
    Locație
    Toronto, Canada
    Posturi
    240
    Putere Rep
    13

    Talking Imi pare rau ca este in engleza -A MUST READ!

    If you can read this whole story without tears of laughter running down your cheeks then there's no hope for you.

    NOTE: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better.

    The notes of the chilli cook-off are from Judge #1 and Judge #2 who are both Texans and Judge #3 is an inexperienced chilli taster named Frank visiting Texas from the east coast:



    Frank: "Recently I was honoured to be selected as a judge at a chilli cook-off. The original judge called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions of
    two judges (native Texans). They said that the chilli wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting. So I accepted the job.

    Here are the scorecards from the event:


    CHILI #1: MIKE'S MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILI

    Judge 1: A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
    Judge 2: Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.

    Judge 3 (FRANK): Holy shit, what the **** is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from a driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are fucken crazy.


    CHILI #2: ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI

    Judge 1: Smokey, with hint of pork. Slight jalapeńo tang.
    Judge 2: Exciting BBQ flavour needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

    Judge 3: Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.


    CHILI #3: FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI

    Judge 1: Excellent firehouse chilli. Great kick. Needs more beans.
    Judge 2: A bean less chilli, a bit salty, good use of peppers.

    Judge 3: Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all of the beer.


    CHILI #4: BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC

    Judge 1: Black bean chilli with almost no spice. Disappointing.
    Judge 2: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild dishes, not much of a chilli.

    Judge 3: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300 pound lady is
    starting to look HOT- just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chilli an aphrodisiac?


    CHILI #5: LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER

    Judge 1: Meaty, strong chilli. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
    Judge 2: Chilli using shredded beef could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

    Judge 3: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chilli had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those fucken rednecks.


    CHILI #6: VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY

    Judge 1: Thin yet bold vegetarian chilli. Good balance of spices and peppers
    Judge 2: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions and garlic. Superb.

    Judge 3: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except
    that Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. Need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.


    CHILI #7: SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATIONAL CHILI


    Judge 1: A mediocre chilli with too much reliance on canned peppers.
    Judge 2: Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chilli peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

    Judge 3: You could put a fucken grenade in my mouth, pull the pin and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with
    chilli which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. **** it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyways. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.


    CHILI #8: TOMMY'S TOE-NAIL CURLING CHILI

    Judge 1: The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chilli. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
    Judge 2: This final entry is a good, balanced chilli. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was spilled when Judge #3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chilli pot down on top of himself. Not sure if
    he's going to make it. Poor guy, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chilli

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