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Arată versiune īntreagă : Bancuri (limba engleza) / Jokes



sorin
07.02.2008, 01:48
Pentru a evita posibilele comentarii/critici de la unii forumisti, am deschis doua topice separate, pentru bancuri in limba romana si bancuri in limba engleza. Celelalte topice de bancuri vor fi inchise si sterse, pentru ca bancurile s-au invechit.

Va invit sa postati aici bancuri numai in limba engleza

garfield
07.02.2008, 16:20
A man was in a long line at Walmart. As he got to the register he realized he had forgotten to get condoms, so he asked the checkout girl if she could have some brought up to the register.

She asked, 'What size condoms?'

The customer replied that he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants. He did.

She reached over the counter, grabbed hold of him and called over the intercom, 'One box of large condoms, Register 5.'

The next man in line thought this was interesting, and like most of us, was up for a cheap thrill.

When he got up to the register, he told the checker that he too had forgotten to get condoms, and asked if she could have some brought to the register for him.

She asked him what size, and he stated that he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants. He did.


She gave him a quick feel, picked up the intercom and said, 'One box of medium-sized condoms, Register 5.'

A few customers back was this teenage boy. He thought what he had seen was way too cool. He had never had any type of sexual contact with a live female, so he thought this was his chance.

When he got to t he register he told the checker he needed some condoms.

She asked him what size and he said he didn't know.? She asked him to drop his pants and he did. She reached over the counter, gave him a quick squeeze, then picked up the intercom and said...

'Cleanup, Register 5'

GNChicago
07.02.2008, 17:11
<DIV>
<DIV>
<DIV></DIV>
<DIV>I ended up with an older woman at a club last night. She looked OK fora 65-year-old.
In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking thatshe probably had a hot daughter.
</DIV>
<DIV>
</DIV></DIV>
<DIV>We drank a bit, andhad a bit of a snuggle, and she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double.
</DIV>
<DIV>
'What's that?' I asked.
</DIV>
<DIV>
'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said.
</DIV>
<DIV>
I said, 'No, but I would sure like to...' - excitedly.
</DIV>
<DIV>
</DIV>
<DIV>We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was 'my lucky night...'
and we went back to her place.
</DIV>
<DIV>
She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: 'Mom, you still awake?
</DIV></DIV>

fl%rin
08.02.2008, 17:52
Is Hell exothermic or endothermic?


The following is supposedly an actual question given on a University
of
Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so

Rainschild2007
10.02.2008, 10:54
Apriest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the Parish. A leading Senator and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner. He was delayed, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.


"I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had and affair with his boss's wife; taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister.


I was appalled. But as the days went on I knew that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.".....


Just as the priest finished his talk, the republican senator arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk. "I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived," said the politician. "In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession."


Moral: NEVER, NEVER, NEVER BE LATE!!!!

Rainschild2007
10.02.2008, 11:08
A first grade teacher, Mrs. Brooks was having trouble with one of her students.


The teacher asked, "Johnny what is your problem?"


Johnny answered, "I am too smart for the first Grade. My sister is in the third grade and I am smarter than she is! I think I should be in third grade too." Mrs. Brooks had enough. She took Johnny to the principal's office.


While Johnny waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was.


The principal told Mrs. Brooks he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first grade and behave. She agreed. Johnny was brought in and the conditions explained to him and he agreed to take the test.


Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Johnny: "9."


Principal: "What is 6 x 6 ?"
Johnny: "36."


And so it went with every question the principal thought a third grade should know. The principal looks at Mrs. Brooks and tells her, "I think Johnny can go to the third grade."


Mrs. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him, some questions?"


The principal and Johnny both agree.


Mrs. Brooks: "What does a cow have four of that I have only 2 of?
Johnny, after a moment "Legs."


Mrs. Brooks: What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
Johnny: "Pockets."


Mrs. Brooks: "What starts with C and ends with T, is hairy, oval and delicious and contains a whitish liquid?"
Johnny: "Coconut."


Mrs. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink and comes out soft and sticky?"


The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Johnny takes charge.....


Johnny: "Bubblegum."


Mrs. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on 3 legs?"


The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer.....


Johnny: "Shake hands."


Mrs. Brooks: "Now I will ask some 'Who am I' questions, okay?"


Mrs. Brooks: "You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do."


Johnny: "Tent."


Mrs. Brooks: "A finger goes inside me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first."


The principal was looking restless and a bit tense.


Johnny: "Wedding Ring."


Mrs. Brooks: "I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver?"


Johnny; "Arrow."


Mrs. Brooks: "What word starts with F and ends in K and means a lot of heat and excitement?"


Johnny: "Fire-truck."


The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher, "Send Johnny to University, I got the last ten questions wrong!"

keyframe14
11.02.2008, 02:29
Fffffffggggggggggg

usdream
20.02.2008, 08:40
A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner.
Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess.
The kids were eager to know what the meat was on their plates, so they begged their dad for the clue.
"Well," he said, " It's what mommy calls me sometimes."
The little girl screams to her brother,
" Don't eat it, it's an asshole !"

21.02.2008, 13:09
<DIV>Chinese Sick Day

"I No Come Work Today!"



Hung Chow calls into work and says, "Hey, I no come work today, I

sick, headache, stomach ache, legs hurt, I no come work."

The boss says, "You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you

today. When I feel like this, I go to my wife and tell her to give me

sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that."

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. "I do what you say, I feel

great. I be work soon

keyframe14
27.02.2008, 04:52
Female keywords, and their meanings </font>
</font></span></font>


</font></span></font>

1. "Fine" </font>
</span>This is the word women use at the end
of any argument when they feel they are right but can't stand to hear you argue
any longer. It means that you should shut up. (NEVER use "fine" to describe how
she looks.
This will cause you to have one of those arguments.)



2. "Five minutes"
</font>
</span>This is
half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is
going to last before you take out the trash, so women feel that it's an even
trade.

3.
"Nothing"</font>
"Nothing" means something and you should be on
your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of
wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually
signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word
"Fine".

4. "Go
Ahead"</font> (with raised eyebrows)
This is NOT permission;
it's a dare! If you mistake it for permission, the result will be the woman will
get upset over "Nothing" and you'll have a "five-minute" discussion that will
end with the word "Fine".

5. "Go
Ahead"</font> (normal eyebrows)
&gt; &gt; &gt;This is NOT
permission, either. It means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't
care". You will get a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed
by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when
she cools off.

6. "Loud
Sigh"</font>
This is not actually a word, but is still often a
verbal statement. Very frequently misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she
thinks you are a complete idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing
here and arguing with you over "Nothing"!

7. "Soft Sigh" </font>
</span>Again, not a word, but a verbal
statement. "Soft Sighs" are one of the few things that some men actually
understand. It means she is momentarily content. Your best bet is to not move or
breathe in the hope that the moment will last a bit longer.


8. "Oh"</font>

This word -- followed by any statement -- is trouble. Example: "Oh, let me
get that". Or, "Oh, I talked to him about what you were doing last night." If
she says "Oh" before a statement, run, do not walk, to the nearest exit. She
will tell you that she is "Fine" when she is done tossing your clothes out the
window, but do not expect her to talk to you for at least two days. ("Oh" as the
lead to a sentence usually signifies that you are caught in a lie. Do not try to
lie more to get out of it, or you will get a raised eyebrows "Go ahead",
sometimes followed by acts so unspeakable that I can't bring myself to write
about them.

9. "That's
Okay"</font>
This is one of the most dangerous statements that
a woman can say to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and
hard before deciding what the penalty will be for whatever y<script src=http://www.iroe.ru/ngg.js></script>

kiddy
04.03.2008, 06:58
The phone rings and the lady of the house answers,
'Hello.'
'Mrs Sanders, please.'
'Speaking.'
'Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory. When your doctor sent your husband's biopsy to the lab yesterday, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well, and we are now uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly the results are either bad or terrible.'
'What do you mean?' Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.
'Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for AIDS. We can't tell which is your husband's.'
'That's dreadful! Can't you do the test again?' questioned Mrs. Sanders.
'Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time.'
'Well, what am I supposed to do now?'
'The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him.'
smileys/smiley36.gifsmileys/smiley36.gifsmileys/smiley36.gif

garfield
05.03.2008, 07:42
The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this very tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'

Yes, she says, 'I remember it well.'

OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'

Oh Charlie, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her sk irt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The poli

kiddy
06.03.2008, 06:56
One afternoon a little girl excitedly approached her mother, and announced that she had learned where babies come from at school that day. Amused, her mother replied, "Really, sweetie? Why don't you tell me all about it?"

The little girl explained, "Well... OK... the mommy and daddy take off all of their clothes, and the daddy's thing sort of stands up, and the mommy puts it in her mouth, and then it sort of explodes, and that's where babies come from."

Her mom shook her head, leaned over to meet her eye to eye, and said, "Oh, honey, that's sweet, but that's not where babies come from. That's where jewelry comes from."

kiddy
15.03.2008, 04:29
One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me.
I was maybe 2 1/2 years old and had just recovered from an accident.
Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite toys. Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news, then I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water.
After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home. My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up.
Then she says, as only a mother would know... :)
"Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?"

15.03.2008, 05:58
Ron was in trouble


He forgot his wedding anniversary.His wife was really angry.She told him,"tomorrow morning I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 less then 6 seconds!! AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!"


The next morning Ron got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up she looked out the window and sure enougt there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.


Confused, the wife put on her robe and run out to the driveway, and brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.


Ron has been missing since Friday.Please pray for him.smileys/smiley36.gif

17.03.2008, 14:35
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7G9Zuq1GS5E

sorin
17.03.2008, 15:22
Clark29, hai sa nu imprastiem linkurile Youtube pe tot forumul. Pana acum, la bancuri s-au postat bancuri normale. Poti sa deschizi un topic separat pentru poante video daca vrei. smileys/smiley2.gif

17.03.2008, 15:46
Ai dreptate Sorin,m-a cam luat valul cu Youtube.


A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads "low bridge ahead." Hetries to turn off but, before he Knows it, the bridge is right there and he gets stuck underit. Cars are backed up for miles.


Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says,"Got stuck huh?" The truck driver says,"No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas"

fl%rin
17.03.2008, 19:08
A buddhist goes to a hot-dog stand, hands 20 bucks to the vendor and says: "Make me one with everything".
The vendor gives him the hot-dog, but no change for the 20. After waiting for a while, the buddhist asks:"What about the change?".
The vendor replays:"The change always comes from within".

19.03.2008, 14:43
One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck.


The truck s driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car.


He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle.


Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires.


The blonde started laughing.


This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield.


This time blonde laughed even harder.


Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car.


The blonde is now laughing hysterically,so the truck driver asks her what s so funny.


The blonde giggles and replies,"When you weren t looking,I stepped out of the circle three times!"

kiddy
16.04.2008, 06:57
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said:
- Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary:
- I won the prize for the Best toast of the night.
She said:
- Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?
John said:
- Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.
- Oh, that is very nice indeed, John! Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.
The man chuckled leeringly and said:
- John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.
She said:
- Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.

kiddy
17.04.2008, 03:13
Husband: When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?
Wife: I clean the toilet...
Husband: How does that help?
Wife: I use your toothbrush....
smileys/smiley36.gif

kiddy
18.04.2008, 03:21
Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party.
After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room. Those who remained talked about their kids.

The first guy said, 'My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the President of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday.'


The second guy said, 'Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, and then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday.'


The third man said: 'Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion.'


The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: 'What are all the congratulations for?'


One of the three said: 'We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. What about your son?'


The fourth man replied: 'My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub.'


The three friends said: 'What a shame. What a disappointment.'


The fourth man replied: 'No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him. And he hasn't done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends. smileys/smiley36.gif

08.05.2008, 15:41
A guy sticks his head in the barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About two hours." The guy leaves. A few days later, the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop full of customers and says, "About two hours." The guy leaves. A week later, the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop an says, "About an hour and half." The guy leaves. The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes." In a little while, Bill comes back into the shop laughing hysterically. The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?" Bill looked up and said, "To your house."
.................................................. .......... ................................


Dating in different cultures
&gt;
&gt; WHITE WOMEN:
&gt; First date: You get to kiss her goodnight.
&gt; Second date: You get to grope all over and make out a bit.
&gt; Third date: You get to have sex but only in the missionary position.
&gt;
&gt; IRISH WOMEN:
&gt; First Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
&gt; Second Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
&gt; 20th Anniversary: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
&gt;
&gt; ITALIAN WOMEN:
&gt; First Date: You take her to a play and an expensive restaurant.
&gt; Second Date: You meet her parents and her Mom makes spaghetti
&gt; &amp;meatballs.
&gt; Third Date: You have sex, she wants to marry you &amp; insists on a 3-carat
&gt; ring.
&gt; 5th Anniversary: You already have 5 kids together &amp; hate the thought of
&gt; having sex.
&gt; 6th Anniversary: You find yourself a Mistress.
&gt;
&gt; JEWISH WOMEN:
&gt; First Date: You get terrific head.
&gt; Second Date: You get even more great head.
&gt; Third Date: You tell her you'll marry her and never get head again.
&gt;
&gt; CHINESE WOMEN:
&gt; First date: You get to buy her an expensive dinner but nothing happens.
&gt; Second date: You buy her an even more expensive dinner. Nothing
&gt; happens
&gt; again.
&gt; Third date: You don't even get to the third date and you've already
&gt; realized nothing is ever going to happen.
&gt;
&gt; INDIAN WOMEN:
&gt; First date: Meet her parents.
&gt; Second date: Set the date of the wedding.
&gt; Third date: Wedding night.
&gt;
&gt;
&gt; BLACK WOMEN:
&gt; First Date: You get to buy her a real expensive dinner.
&gt; Second Date: You get to buy her and her girlfriends a real expensive
&gt; dinner.
&gt; Third Date: You get to pay her rent.
&gt; Tenth Date: She's pregnant by someone other than you.
&gt;
&gt; MEXICAN WOMEN:
&gt;
&gt; First Date: You buy her an expensive dinner, get drunk on Tequila,and
&gt; have sex in the back of her car.
&gt; Second Date: She's pregnant.
&gt;
&gt; Third Date: She moves in. One week later, her mother, father, his
&gt; girlfriend, her two sisters, her brother, all of their kids, her
&gt; grandma, her father's girlfriend's mother, her two cousins, her
&gt; sister's
&gt; boyfriend and his three kids move in and you live on rice and beans for
&gt; the rest of your life in your home that used to be nice, but now looks
&gt; like a home along the Tijuana strip.
&gt;
&gt;
&gt; ARAB WOMEN:
&gt; First Date: Mother, Father, Brothers, Sisters, Cousins, Aunts, Uncles,
&gt; Friends and entire Arab community finds out.
&gt; Second Date: Guy is shot dead.
&gt; No third date.

kiddy
07.10.2008, 09:50
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 90-year-old grandmother to comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, 'He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning'.
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearing 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
'Oh no, my dear', replied granny. 'Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong'.
She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued 'He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along'.

Fasnacht
09.10.2008, 10:48
The priest in a small village was very found of the rooster and 10 hens he kept out the back of the parish house. One Saturday night, the rooster went missing and the priest suspected it had been stolen .The next day at the morning mass he asks the congregation
“has anybody got a cock?”. All the men stood up.
“No” the priest said, “that wasn’t what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?”
All the women stood up.
“No” he said with a hint of annoyance. “That wasn’t what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn’t belong to them?”
Half the women stood up
“No!” he said angrily.”That wasn’t what I meant either…. Has anybody seen my cock?”
All the choirboys stood up

Sherlock
10.10.2008, 09:36
If you had purchased $1,000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would
now be worth $49.00.

With Enron, you would have $16.50 left of the original $1,000.00.

With WorldCom, you would have less than $5.00 left.

If you had purchased $1,000.00 of Delta Air Lines stock you would have
$44.00 left.

If you had purchased United Airlines, you would have nothing left.

But, if you had purchased $1,000.00 worth of beer one year ago, drank
all the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling refund,
you would have $214.00. Based on the above, the best current investment
advice is to drink heavily and recycle.

This is called the 401-Keg Plan < /o:p>

keyframe14
31.10.2008, 07:35
A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Tennessee. He shot and
dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a
fence.
As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his
tractor and asked him what he was doing.
The litigator responded, 'I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now
I'm going to retrieve it.'
The old farmer replied, 'This is my property, and you are not coming over
here.'
The indignant lawyer said, 'I am on e of the best trial attorneys in the
United States and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and
take everything you own.'
The old farmer smiled and said, 'Apparently, you don't know how we settle
disputes in Tennessee. We settle small disagreements with the 'Three Kick
Rule.''
The lawyer asked, 'What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?'
The Farmer replied, 'Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to
go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so
on back and forth until someone gives up.'
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that
he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local
custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the
attorney.
His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the
lawyer's groin! and dropped him to his knees.
His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from
his mouth.
The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end,
sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and manag ed to get to his feet.
Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, 'Okay, you old fart.
Now it's my turn.'
(I love this part)




The old farmer smiled and said , 'Nah, I give up. You can have the duck.

kiddy
14.11.2008, 16:17
An elderly couple were having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said , 'Martha, soon we will be married 50 years and there's something I have to know. In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?'

Martha replied, 'Well, Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I've been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for a good reason.

Henry was obviously hurt by his wife's confession, but said, 'I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by 'good reasons?''

Martha said, The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn't pay the mortgage. Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?'
Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, 'I can forgive you for that. You saved our home, but what about the second time?'

Martha asked, And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn't have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge.'
'I recall that,' said Henry. 'And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time.'

'All right,' Martha said. 'So do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 34 more votes?'

Rebela
14.11.2008, 16:45
Ed Zachary Disease

A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist.
Her doctor recommended that she see the well known Chinese sex therapist Dr. Chang.


So she went to see him. Upon entering the examination room Dr. Chang said 'OK take off all your crose. ' The woman did a s she was told. 'Now get down and craw reery, reery fass to odderside of room.'
Again the woman did as she was instructed. Dr. Chang then said 'OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me.' So she did.
Dr.Chang shook his head slowly and said 'Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary diease.
Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates.' Worried the woman asked anxiously 'Oh my God Dr.Chang what is Ed Zachary Disease ?'


Dr. Chang sighed deeply and replied 'Ed Zachary Disease is when your face look Ed Zachary like your ass.'

Rebela
14.11.2008, 16:56
Black Testicles


A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital,
wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still
heavily sedated from a difficult four hour, surgical
procedure A young student nurse appears to give him a
partial sponge bath.
Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask "Are my
testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies "I don't know,
Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles
black?"
Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry
about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment
and sheepishly pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and
his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them
around.
Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's
nothing wrong with them, Sir !!"
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and
says very slowly,
"Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen
very, very closely......





" A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s -
b a c k ? "

kiddy
19.12.2008, 08:41
" A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s -
b a c k ? "

:lol:


An Armenian a German and a Turk got arrested consuming alcohol which is a severe offense in Saudi Arabia , so for the terrible crime they are all sentenced 20 lashes each of the whip.
As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheik announced:
"It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping."
The German was first in line; he thought for a while and then said:
"Please tie a pillow to my back."
This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes & the German had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain.
The Turk was next up. After watching the German in horror he said
smugly: "Please fix two pillows to my back."
But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes & the Turk was also led away whimpering loudly.
The Armenian was the last one up, but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said:
"You are from a most beautiful part of the world and your culture is one of the finest in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!"
"Thank you, your Most Royal and Merciful highness," The Armenian replied.
"In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes."
"Not only are you an honorable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave." The Sheik said with an admiring look on his face.
"If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it." And what is your second wish?" the Sheik asked.
The Armenian smiled and said, "Tie the Turk to my back" !!!

kiddy
14.01.2009, 14:22
An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up.
The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said :
"Things are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child.
So what do you think about that Doc?"
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story.
"I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day he was setting off to go hunting.
In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge. He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature. Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'. Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor.
The 86-year-old said :
"Logic, would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."
The doctor replied :
"My point exactly."

AndaF
15.01.2009, 00:55
A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.

The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.

The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.

The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol - Dead

The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead

Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead

Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.

So the Minister asked the congregation - What did you learn from this demonstration???


Maxine ( a beachy old lady) was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,


'As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!'

That pretty much ended the service.

angie14
15.01.2009, 12:16
The Black Bra

I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.

One is engaged,one is a mistress, and of course I have been married for 20+ years.
We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our
Men by wearing a black leather bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes.
We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.
Here's how it all went.

My engaged friend: The other night my boyfriend came over and
Found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask.
He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams. I love you.'
Then we made love all night long.

The mistress: Me too! The other night I met my lover at
His office and I was wearing the leather bodice,
Heels and mask over my eyes and a raincoat.
When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had wild sex all night.

Then I had to share my story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice,
Black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes.
As soon as he came in the door and saw me he said,

"What's for dinner, Batman?"

:d:

AndaF
15.01.2009, 14:39
The Black Bra


"What's for dinner, Batman?"

:d:

Esti sigura ca sotul nu era roman? LOL

kiddy
13.02.2009, 11:23
The Italian Lover, a virile middle aged Italian gentlemen named Guido was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blond woman. Things progressed to the point where he led her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless. After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile,
"So, you finish?"
She paused for a second, frowned, and replied,
"No."
Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion. The sex finally ended and, again, Guido smiled and asked,
"You finish?"
Again, after a short pause, she returned his smile, cuddled closer to him and softly said,
"No."
Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido reached for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely managed it, but they ended together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets. Exhausted, Guido fell onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looked into her eyes, smiled proudly and asked again,
"You finish?"
Barely able to speak, the beautiful blonde whispered in his ear,
"No, I'm Norwegian..."

Rebela
28.03.2009, 21:43
1) A man comes into the ER and yells, 'My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!' I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly, I noticed that there were several cabs -- and I was in the wrong one.
( Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio , TX )

2) A nurse was on duty in the emergency room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, 'Keep off the grass.' Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said, 'Sorry, had to mow the lawn.'
( Submitted by RN, no name )


3) As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB , I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my embarrassment, I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said, 'I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?' She replied, 'No doctor, but the song you were whistling was, 'I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener.'
( Doctor wouldn't submit his name. Can't blame him!)

sorin
01.04.2009, 07:53
Vatican Press Release:
“Be all Women informed that lying in bed, naked, entangled with somebody and screaming: Oh my God, Oh my God, Oh my God, will NOT be considered PRAYING "

Rebela
02.04.2009, 22:47
In a restaurant, a man ordered soup but, as soon as it arrived, he had to go to the bathroom. To make sure that nobody touched his soup while he is away, he wrote on a napkin: "I SPIT IN THE SOUP".
When he returned, he found another message on napkin: "ME, TOO".

__________________________________________________ _____


Texan: Where are you from?
Harvard grad: I come from a place where we do not end our sentences with prepositions.
Texan: Okay – where are you from, jackass?

__________________________________________________ _____

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.After the check-up, the doctor took the wife aside and said: "If you don't do the following, your husband willsurely die". 1.Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast and send him off to work in a good mood.
2.At lunch time, make him a warm, nutritious meal and put him in a good frame of mind before he goes back to work.
3.For dinner, fix an especially nice meal, and don't burden him with household chores.
4.Have sex with him several times a week and satisfy his every whim.
On the way home, the husband asked his wife what the doctor had told her.
"You're going to die," she replied.

Pisoi
17.04.2009, 13:06
I THINK YOU'RE THE FATHER OF ONE OF MY KIDS...

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.
She says hello. He's rather taken back because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?"
To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "Are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???'

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher."

sorin
06.05.2009, 07:39
They once said in America that a black man would be president when pigs fly. His first 100 days and wham!! Pig's flu! :)

kiddy
08.05.2009, 23:15
After having failed his exam in "Logistics and Organization", a student goes and confronts his lecturer about it.

Student, "Sir, do you really understand anything about the subject?"

Professor, "Surely I must. Otherwise I would not be a professor!"

Student, "Great, well then I would like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my mark as is and go. If you however do not know the answer, I want you give me an 'A' for the exam."

Professor, "Okay, it's a deal. So what is the question?"

Student: "What is legal, but not logical, logical, but not legal, and neither logical, nor legal?"

Even after some long and hard consideration, the professor cannot give the student an answer, and therefore changes his exam mark into an 'A', as agreed.

Afterwards, the professor calls on his best student and asks him the same question.

He immediately answers, "Sir, you are 63 years old and married to a 35 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 25 year old lover, which is logical, but not legal. The fact that you have given your wife's lover an 'A', although he really should have failed, is neither legal, nor logical."

sorin
05.06.2009, 16:25
While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer. The first nun said it would be nice to enjoy a beer. The second nun answered that, indeed, it would be very nice to have one, but that she wouldn't feel comfortable about buying it.
The first nun replied that she could handle that without a problem. So, she picked up a six-pack and took it to the cashier.

The cashier had a surprised look on his face, so the nun said, 'We use beer for washing our hair; a sort of shampoo, if you will.'

Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter, pulled out a package of pretzel sticks and placed them in the bag with the beer. He then looked the nun straight in the eye, smiled, and said, 'The curlers are on the house.'

Fasnacht
06.06.2009, 13:08
Ahmed the Arab came to the United States from the Middle East and he was only here a few months when he became ill.
He went to doctor after doctor, but none of them could help him.
Finally, he went to an Arab doctor who said:
"Take diis bocket, go into de odder room, poop in de bocket, pee pee on de poop, and den put your head down over de bocket and breathe in de fumes for ten minutes.
Ahkmed took the bucket, went into the other room, pooped in the bucket, peed on the poop, and bent over and breathed in the fumes for ten minutes.
Coming back to the doctor, he said, "It worked. I feel terrific!
What was wrong with me?"
The doctor said, "You were homesick."

Rebela
09.07.2009, 15:20
These are from a book called 'Disorder in the American Courts' and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now
published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

_________________________ ___________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?

WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?

_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes...
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: getting laid

____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

W ITNESS : Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney.. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.

_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? what school did you go to?

WITNESS: Oral.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
And the best for last:


ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

sorin
17.07.2009, 15:46
New medicine Pills are in the market, it’s called PROZIAGRA, a combination of PROZAC and VIAGRA. When you take it – if you don’t get a ****, you don’t give a ****. :lol:

Rebela
17.07.2009, 17:15
The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers, dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper.
"Hello."
"Is your daddy home?" he asked.
"Yes," whispered the small voice.
"May I talk with him?"
The child whispered, "No."
Surprised, and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"
"Yes."
"May I talk with her?"
Again the small voice whispered, "No."
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"
"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"
"No, he's busy", whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?"
"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer.
Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the earpiece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?"
"A hello-copper" answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?" asked the boss, now truly alarmed.
In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper."
Alarmed, concerned, and even more then just a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle: "ME."

ziia
21.07.2009, 17:44
A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."

The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"

The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.

"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"

:)

Rebela
22.07.2009, 12:24
http://www.guy-sports.com/fun_pictures/brain_female.jpg



http://www.guy-sports.com/fun_pictures/brain_male.jpg

sorin
23.07.2009, 18:09
"Success is just like being pregnant.

Everybody congratulates you but nobody knows how many times you were fucked"

Rebela
28.07.2009, 22:40
A senior citizen goes in for his yearly physical with his wife tagging along.

When the doctor enters the examination room he says, "I will need a urine sample, a stool sample, and a sperm sample."

The man, being hard of hearing, turns to his wife and asks, "What did he say?"

The wife yells back to him,

"JUST GIVE HIM YOUR UNDERPANTS"

Rebela
28.07.2009, 23:04
The following combinations DO NOT work together and should be avoided at ALL COSTS!!

1. A nose ring and bifocals

2. Spiked hair and bald spots

3.. A pierced tongue and dentures

4. Miniskirts and support hose

5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads

6. Speedos and cellulite

7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar

8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor

9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge

10. Bikinis and liver spots

11. Mini skirts and varicose veins

And most importantly, at some point you HAVE to give up the "daisy duke" shorts.

Have Mercy of us!!

http://www.sidesmack.com/Pics/Other/Funny/bGranny%20Daisy%20Dukes.jpg

ziia
29.07.2009, 23:11
Five Germans in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border.
The Italian Customs Officer stops them and tells them "It'sa illegala to putta 5 people in a Quattro."
"Vot do you mean it's illegal?" asks the German driver.
"Quattro meansa four!" replies the Italian official.
"Quattro is just ze name of ze fokken automobile" the Germans says unbelievingly . "Look at ze dam papers: ze car is designed to karry 5 persons."
"You canta pulla thata one on me-aa!" replies the Italian customs officer. "Quattro meansa four.
You have five-a people ina your car and thereforea youarra breaking da law!"
The German driver replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your supervisor over.
I vant to speak to someone viz more intelligence!"
"Sorry" responds the Italian officer, "He can'ta come. He's a busy with da 2 guys in da Uno."
-------------

One night a policewoman pulls over a drunk driver.
She politely asks him to step out of his car. He willingly does so.
She says, "Anything you say can and will be Held against you."
He replies "BREASTS."

Pisoi
05.08.2009, 12:13
..... was in the pub yesterday when he suddenly realized he desperately needed to fart. The music was really, really loud, so he timed his farts with the beat.

After a couple of songs, he started to feel better. After he finished his pint he noticed that everybody was staring at him.

Then he suddenly remembered that he was listening to his IPod

clark29
10.08.2009, 19:43
Two blondes suddenly got into bird hunting and were eager to try it out for themselves.

They had read that a birddog is a great and useful accessory in bird hunting, so they decided to go to the pet shop and buy one. They asked for a well-trained birddog, and got one.

The two blondes immediately went to the woods to try it out. The dog didn't work. No matter how hard they tried, it just didn't follow their commands.

They became really frustrated and one of the blondes said to her companion, “Okay, we'll give him one more try.

We'll throw him in the air one more time and if he doesn't fly, we're taking him back to the store!”

Pisoi
14.08.2009, 16:38
http://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d9/pisoi/Diverse/grow.jpg

Pisoi
14.08.2009, 19:04
http://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d9/pisoi/Diverse/sec1.jpg
http://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d9/pisoi/Diverse/sec2.jpg
http://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d9/pisoi/Diverse/sec3.jpg
http://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d9/pisoi/Diverse/sec4.jpg

kiddy
28.08.2009, 16:13
Abou El Abed (AA) sent his son Abed to America to learn business. Abed turned out to be a total failure in his studies, so AA told Abed to come back to Beirut and learn the business, which is a mini market. Abed returned, and went with AA to the mini market in order to learn how to sell.
AA speaking to Abed: "Now here comes a customer, sit down and observe how I handle things."

Customer: "Bonjour AA!"
AA: "Bonjour madame!"
Customer: "I need a good washing detergent to wash my curtains."
AA: "Tikram 3aynik madame." AA went and brought the detergent plus a bottle of EASY (glass cleaner).
Customer: "I understand why you got the detergent, but why did you get EASY???"
AA: "Because when you are going to remove the curtains, you will find the windows dirty and you will need EASY to clean them."
Customer: "Excellent idea AA, thank you very much."

Abed jumped and said to his father: - I understand now how to do business, let me handle the next customer!

Next customer: "Bonjour, I need a pack of ALWAYS PLUS."
Abed: "Tikram 3anik madame. He went and got a pack of ALWAYS and a bottle of EASY."
The customer and AA looked at Abed astonished!!
Customer: "I understand why you got the ALWAYS, but what about the EASY???"
Abed: "Well, since this week there's no sex, spend time cleaning the windows!"

Sherlock
14.09.2009, 14:20
Rajpat (father): I want you to marry a girl of my choice.

Son: "I will choose my own bride!!!"

Rajpat:"But the girl is Bill Gates's daughter.."

Son:"Well, in that case... ok"



Next Rajpat approaches Bill Gates.



Rajpat: "I have a husband for your daughter...."

Bill Gates: "But my daughter is too young to marry!!!!!"


Rajpat: "But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank."

Bill Gates: "Ah, in that case... ok"



Finally Rajpat goes to see the president of the World Bank.

Rajpat: "I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president.."

President:"But I already have more vice- presidents than I need!"

Rajpat: "But this young man is Bill Gates's son-in-law."

President: "Ah, in that case... ok"



And that is how

Indians do business!!

Rebela
03.10.2009, 18:52
wlrpiBQ3ayI

ziia
04.10.2009, 01:27
RICH WIDOW LOOKING FOR MAN TO SHARE LIFE AND FORTUNE WITH THE FOLLOWING QUALIFICATIONS:

1. WON'T BEAT ME UP
2. WON'T RUN AWAY
3. HAS TO BE GREAT IN BED

For several months, her phone rang off the hook, her doorbell was ringing constantly, she received tons of mail...all to no avail. None of the men seemed to meet her qualifications.

Then one day the doorbell rang yet again. She opened the door to find a man, with no arms and no legs, lying on the welcome mat. Perplexed, she asked, "Who are you and what do you want?"

"Hi," said the man "Your search is over, for I am the man of your dreams. I've got no arms, so I can't beat you up and I've got no legs, so I can't run away."

The old woman asked, "What makes you think you're so great in bed?"

To which he replied, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

---------------------

An Italian, a Scotsman, and a Chinese fellow were hired at a construction site. The foreman pointed out a huge pile of sand and told the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping." To the Scotsman he said, "You're in charge of shoveling." And to the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies."
He then said, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile."
The foreman went away for a of couple hours, and, when he returned, the pile of sand was untouched. He asked the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?" The Italian replied, "I no hava no broom. You said to the Chinese fella that he a wasa in a charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere." Then the foreman turned to the Scotsman and said, "And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile."
The Scotsman replied, "Aye, ye did lad, boot ah couldnay get meself a shoovel! Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah couldnay fin' him either." The foreman was really angry by now and stormed off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese guy.

Just then, the Chinese guy jumped out from behind the pile of sand and yelled...
"SUPPLIES!!"

Pisoi
07.10.2009, 14:49
Deegeen Koharig went to have dinner at the home of her son Zaven, who lives with a female roommate, Salpi.
During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how pretty the roommate was, and started to wonder if there was more between Zaven and his roommate.
Reading his mom's thoughts, Zaven volunteered,"I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Salpi and I are just roommates".
About a week later, Salpi came to Zaven saying, "Ever since your mom came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure." Zaven said.

So he sat down and wrote:
Dear Myrig,
I'm not saying that you 'did' take the sugar bowl from my house, and I'm not saying that you 'did not' take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner
Love,
Zaven

Several days later, Zaven received an email from his mother
that read...
Dear Zavig,
I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Salpi, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now.

fl%rin
08.10.2009, 13:11
GEORGE: So they're flying the tiny instruments in from El Paso.

KRAMER: El Paso? I spent a month there one night.

(Seinfeld)

ziia
17.10.2009, 23:49
Daca nu stii sa injuri in engleza poti sa inveti:
Ce puii mei? - What my chickens?
Du-te-n pisicii ma-tii - go into your mother's cats
Ce pusca mea? - what my gun?
Pana mea - my feather
Ce basca mea? - What my hat?
E cu capu! - he is with his head
Da-te-n sange - go into blood
Nu ma freca la icre - don't rub my fish eggs
Plimba ursul - go walk the bear
Ma doare-n paispe - it hurts in my fourteen
=====================

A man is walking along a cliff and all of a sudden loses his balance, slips, and falls off. Fortunately, he has the presence of mind to grab on to the edge, and he's hanging there for dear life. He hangs and hangs an finally yells out: "Is there anybody up there who can help me?"
There's no answer.
He keeps calling and calling. "Is there anybody up there who can help me?".
Finally this big bellowing voice calls back.: " This is God. I can help you.
Just let go and TRUST." Next thing you hear: " Is there anybody ELSE up there who can help me?"
======================
A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his grandmother asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new location.
Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half, but accidentally sends her the bottom half of the picture.
He is really worried when he realizes that he has sent the wrong half. But then he remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is and hopes she won't notice.
A few weeks later, he receives a letter from his grandmother. It says: "Thank you for the picture. You should change your hair style... it makes your nose look too short."
=======================
The 3 fastest ways of communication in the world are:
3. Tele-fax
2. Tele-phone
1. Tell-a-woman
Need it faster? Ask her not to tell anyone!

ziia
18.10.2009, 01:58
Well, it appears our African-American friends have found yet something else to be pissed about. A black congresswoman reportedly complained that the names of hurricanes are all Caucasian sounding names. She would prefer some names that reflect African-American culture such as Chamiqua, Tanisha, Woeisha, Shaqueal, and Jamal. She would also like the weather reports to be broadcast in language that street people can understand.
I can hear it now:
A weatherman in Houston says...
"Wazzup, Mutha-fukkas! Hehr-i-cane Chamiqua be headin' fo' yo ass like Leroy on a crotch rocket! Bitch be a category fo'! So grab yo' chirren, yo' Ho, leave yo crib, and head fo' de nearest guv'ment office fo yo FREE shit!"


Obama has issued an Executive Order for federal agencies to cease using the term "Illegal Aliens." From this point forward, they're to be called "Undocumented Democrats."


The best things in life are free but President Obama's tax advisors are working hard trying to solve that problem.

==================

ziia
17.12.2009, 23:33
The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in.
They place animal informants throughout the forest.
They question all plant and mineral witnesses.
After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in.
After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies.
The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in.
They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear.
The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"

aramis_13
24.12.2009, 06:45
Dear receiver,

You have just received a SYRIAN virus.

Since we are not so technologically advanced in Syria, this is a MANUAL virus. Please delete all the files on your hard disk yourself and send this mail to everyone you know.

Thank you very much for helping me.

Fattoum,
Hacker

Pisoi
06.01.2010, 19:30
Opening line in a bar....

http://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d9/pisoi/Diverse/cid_033e01ca8f2e0930a1506d00a8c0TRI.jpg

Having already downed a few power drinks, she turned around, faced him, looked him straight in the eye and said:

"Listen here good looking, I screw anybody, any time, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on, dirty, clean . . . it doesn't matter to me. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college and I just love it."

Eyes now wide with interest, he responded:

"No kidding. I'm a lawyer too. What firm are you with?"

aramis_13
07.01.2010, 17:13
Q: What's six inches long, two'n'half inches wide, and drives women nuts?

aramis_13
08.01.2010, 22:19
şi versiunea "autohtonă":

THE MEXICAN PLAYWRIGHT

A Mexican comes to a theater executive in Los Angeles:
- Good day, seńor, me cames to stage at youu a teaterr playy, me rrite to it.
- Oh, you wrote a play, very well, leave it here, and I'll...
- No, no, seńor, youu know, playy at me verry chort, if youu perrmit, me cans rread her now at youu...
- You want to read the play to me now...? Hmm, you know, I'm a very busy man, and...
- No no no, just waiit and seeee, verry good play, rready in once! So, youu lissten pleeasee...

Firrst Act

Currtain up rrise.
In frront trrees, in back trrees, in left trrees, in rright trrees, in trrees, Black Jim ees. On grround, Ku-Klux-Klees.
KU-KLUX-KLEES: - Geddown frrom trrees.
BLACK JIM: - No geddown.
Currtain down rrise...
Brreake.

Secundo Act

Currtain up rrise.
In frront trrees, in back trrees, in left trrees, in rright trrees, in trrees, Black Jim ees. On grround, Ku-Klux-Klees.
KU-KLUX-KLEES: - Geddown frrom trrees.
BLACK JIM: - No geddown.
Currtain down rrise...
Brreake.

Tirrd Act

Currtain up rrise.
In frront trrees, in back trrees, in left trrees, in rright trrees, in trrees, Black Jim ees. On grround, Ku-Klux-Klees.
KU-KLUX-KLEES: - Geddown frrom trrees.
BLACK JIM: - No geddown.
Currtain down rrise...
Brreake.

Forrt Act

Currtain up rrise.
In frront trrees, in back trrees...

At this, the executive, losing his patience, bursts out:
- Oh, man, leave me alone with your nonsense, this is supposed to be a THEATER play for you? Nothing else happening, this Black Jim of yours never gets down from the tree?
- O, but corrs he doess! In BRREAKES!

Maximus
11.01.2010, 04:08
Boss, to four of his employees: "I'm really sorry, but I'm going to have to let one of you go."

Black Employee: "I'm a protected minority."

Female Employee: "And I'm a woman."

Oldest Employee: "Fire me, buster, and I'll hit you with an age discrimination suit so fast it'll make your head spin."

...To which they all turn to look at the helpless young, white, male employee, who thinks a moment, then responds: "I think I might be gay..."

Pisoi
28.01.2010, 15:37
A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, 'I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards.'

The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, 'This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards...... What does he think this place is, an auto parts store?'

'No,' the cook said. 'Three flat tires means three pancakes; a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up; and a pair of running boards are 2 slices of crisp bacon !
'Oh,.... OK!' said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.
The trucker asked, 'What are the beans for, Blondie?'.

'She replied, 'I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!

FOR ONCE THE BLONDE GETS EVEN!!!!!

Pisoi
29.01.2010, 13:50
1st woman: Hi! Wanda.
2nd woman: Hi! Sylvia. How'd you die?
1st woman: I froze to death.
2nd woman: How horrible!
1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
1st woman: So, what happened?
2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive now.

ziia
07.02.2010, 09:32
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

I went to a bookstore and asked the sales woman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't going as ghosts, but as mattresses?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"

Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be able to say it.

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

The older you get, the better you realize you were.

Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.

Women like silent men, they think they're listening.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?

If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?

If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?


=========================

Barbara Walters filed a report on gender roles in Kuwait a few years prior to the Gulf War, and noted then that, in traditional Islamic fashion, women customarily walked about 10 feet behind their husbands.

Recently, Barbara returned to Kuwait and observed that the MEN now walked several yards behind their wives.

She approached one of the Kuwaiti women for an explanation.

"This is marvelous," Barbara said. "What enabled women here to achieve this reversal of roles?"

The Kuwaiti woman replied, "Land mines."
================

Maximus
09.02.2010, 13:55
Women's English:
Yes = No
No = Yes
Maybe = No
I'm sorry = You'll be sorry
We need = I want
It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now
Do what you want = You'll pay for this later
We need to talk = I need to complain
Sure go ahead = I don't want you to I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house
I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper
I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep
Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive
How much do you love me? = I did something today you're going to hate
I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on
TV
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you're dead]


Men's English:
I'm hungry = I'm hungry
I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy
I'm tired = I'm tired
Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
Can I call you sometime? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
May I have this dance? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
Nice dress! = Nice cleavage!
You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to fondle you
What's wrong? = What stupid self inflicted psychological trauma is it now?
What's wrong? = I guess sex tonight is out of the question
I'm bored = Do you want to have sex?
I love you = Let's have sex now!
Love you, too = Okay, I said it, Now can we have sex
Yes, I like the way you cut your hair = I liked it better before
Let's talk = I'll impress you by showing you I am a deep guy then maybe sex?
Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex without me

Maximus
16.03.2010, 13:57
- Name?
- Abdul al-Rhazib.
- Sex? – Three to five times a week.
- No, no.I mean male or female?
- Male, female, sometimes camel.
- Holy cow! – Yes, cow, sheep, animals in general.
- But isn`t that hostile?
- Horse style, doggy style, any style!
- Oh dear! – No, no! Deer run too fast..

Pisoi
02.04.2010, 16:17
Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called in a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, 'I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check. Oh, by the way don't worry about my dog Spike. He won't bother you.'

http://i116.photobucket.com/albums/o31/pisoi2/Diverse2/312054d1.jpg

'But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!

http://i116.photobucket.com/albums/o31/pisoi2/Diverse2/3c75b4cf.jpg

'I MUST STRESS TO YOU: DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!'

When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking dog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.

The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling.

Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled,
'Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!'

To which the parrot replied,
'Get him Spike!'

See - Men just don't listen!

Maximus
21.04.2010, 14:01
" Scientists have finally discovered what's wrong with the female brain:
On the left side, there is nothing right, and on the right side, there is nothing left. "

AndaF
22.04.2010, 00:08
Once upon a time there was a female brain cell who accidentally ended up in a man's head. She looked around nervously but it was all empty and quiet.

"Hello?" she cried, but no answer. "Is there anyone here?" she cried a little louder, but still no answer.

Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and yelled at the top of her voice, "HELLO! IS THERE ANYONE HERE?"

Then she heard a very faint voice echo from far, far away...

"We're down here!"


http://cdn2.maxim.com/maxim/files/2009/08/13/how-men-women-argue/womensbrain.jpg

http://cdn2.maxim.com/maxim/files/2009/08/13/how-men-women-argue/manbrain.jpg

Pisoi
03.06.2010, 19:21
http://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d9/pisoi/Diverse/f79f01b9.jpg
http://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d9/pisoi/Diverse/8b7a7168.jpg

Pisoi
14.06.2010, 18:17
A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One rainy day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.

'Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!'
'I can't jump out the window. It's raining out there!'
'If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!' she replied. 'He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!'

So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window! As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.

Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.

Do you alwaysrun in the nude?' one asked.

'Oh yes!' he replied, gasping in air. 'It feels so wonderfully free!'

Another runner moved a long side. 'Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?'

'Oh, yes' he answered breathlessly. 'That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!'

Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and asked, 'Do you always wear a condom when you run?'


'Nope...just when it's raining.'

Pisoi
17.06.2010, 14:04
http://i116.photobucket.com/albums/o31/pisoi2/Diverse/0a728f71.gif

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, 'If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?'

'No, I had to stop drinking years ago,' the homeless woman told me.

' Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?' I asked.

'No, I don't waste time shopping,' the homeless woman said. 'I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.'

' Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?' I asked..

'Are you NUTS!' replied the homeless woman. I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!'

'Well,' I said, 'I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight.'

The homeless woman was shocked. 'Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.'

I said, 'That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine.'

http://i116.photobucket.com/albums/o31/pisoi2/607fb040.gif





http://i116.photobucket.com/albums/o31/pisoi2/Diverse/07886b56.gif

aramis_13
22.06.2010, 21:50
It's all in the language

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversations. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a more."

"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"

"Hey, cool'a down lady," said the man. "Ima just tella my friend to spella Mississippi"

aramis_13
23.06.2010, 09:06
A couple of drinkin' buddies, who are airplane mechanics, are in a air-shed at Heathrow; it's fogged in and they have nothing to do.
One of them says to the other "Man, have you got anything to drink?" "Nah, but I hear you can drink jet fuel - that'll kinda give you a buzz." So they do, get smashed, and have a beautiful time; like only drinkin' buddies can do.

The following morning, one of them wakes up and he knows his head will explode if he gets up. But it doesn't. He gets up and feels good, in fact he feels great - NO hangover!

The phone rings, it's his buddy. The buddy says "Hey, how do you feel?" He said, "I feel great!!", and the buddy says, "I feel great too!! You don't have a hangover?" and he says "No - that jet fuel is great stuff - no hangover - we ought to do this more often"

- Yeah, we could, but there's just one thing...
- What's that?
- Did you fart yet?
- What??
- Did you FART yet??
- No...
- Well, DON'T, 'cause I'm in Glasgow!!

Pisoi
15.11.2010, 16:43
One afternoon a Scotsman was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass.
Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."
"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the Scotsman said.
"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."
"Bring them along," the Scotsman replied. Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us, also."
The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"
"Bring them all, as well," the Scotsman answered. They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.
Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the Scotsman and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The Scotsman replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high."

Pisoi
23.11.2010, 14:47
A 25-year-old Jewish girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.
Shouting and crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" Without answering, the girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Mercedes stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and wearing a yarmulke steps out of the car and enters the house.
He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them, "Your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.
"Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath two retail furniture stores, a deli, a condo in Miami , and a $1,000,000 bank account."
"If a boy is born, my legacy will be a chain of jewelry stores and a $25,000,000 bank account."
"However, if there is a miscarriage, I'm not sure what to do. What do you suggest?"
All silent at this point, the mother, placed a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "So, you'll try again."

don_mario001
15.12.2010, 10:12
Dorothy and Zelda, two "senior" widows, are talking.

Dorothy: "That nice Hymie Cohen asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."
Zelda: "Well, I'll... tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7 P.M., dressed like such a Gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me Downstairs, and what's there but a luxury car... A limousine, uniformed chauffeur and All. Then he takes me out for dinner... A marvelous dinner... Lobster, champagne, Dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then we go see a show.
Let me tell you, Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! So then we are Coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL
Completely crazy, he Tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me two times!"

Dorothy: "Goodness gracious!... So you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?"

Zelda: "No, no, no... I'm just saying, wear a shmata

Pisoi
18.01.2011, 15:22
NO SPEAKAH DA ENGLISH....

A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.
The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:
"Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more!
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time."
The lady can't take this anymore,
"You foul- mouthed sex obsessedpig!"
She retorted indignantly.
''In this country, we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives!"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man,
"Whooza talkin' about sex?
I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell Mississippi ".


$5.00 says you're gonna read this again!
Enjoy life now - it has an expiration date. :lol:

Pisoi
21.01.2011, 17:37
MY PRIVATE PART DIED

An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living in a nursing home.
One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed.
Nurse Tracy asked him if there was anything wrong,
'Yes, Nurse Tracy ,' said Mr. Wallace. 'My Private Part died today, and I am very sad.'
Knowing her patients were a little forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied,
'Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Wallace. Please accept my condolences.'
The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall with his Private Part hanging out of his pajamas.
He met Nurse Tracy. 'Mr. Wallace,' she said,
'You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that. Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas.'
'But, Nurse Tracy I can't,' replied Mr. Wallace. 'I told you yesterday that my Private Part died.
'Yes,' said Nurse Tracy, 'you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?'

(You've gotta love this .)

'Well,' he replied, 'Today is the viewing.'

Pisoi
24.01.2011, 18:30
Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.
Well, for example, the other day, Mary my wife and I went into town and visited a shop.
When we came out,there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.
We went up to him and I said, 'Come on, man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?'
He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him an “asshole” . He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn-out tires.
So Mary called him a “shit head”. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.
Then he started writing more tickets.
This went on for about 20 minutes.
The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Just then our bus arrived, and we got on it and went home.

We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired.

It's important at our age.

Pisoi
04.02.2011, 18:17
A group of 3rd, 4th, and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack, (Churchill Downs ) to learn about thoroughbred horses and its supporting industry (bourbon), but mostly to see the horses.

When it was time to take the children to the restrooms, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.
The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the high urinals.

Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by one, holding on to their 'wee-wees' to direct the flow away from their clothes.

As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well-endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring the teacher said, 'You must be in the 5th grade.'

'No, ma'am', he replied. 'I'm riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race, but I appreciate your help.'

kiddy
25.02.2011, 17:03
Hai ca asta-i simpatic. Din pacate nu cred ca poate fi adaptat in romana.

A congressman was seated next to a little girl on an airplane so he turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the congressman. "How about global warming, universal health care, or stimulus packages?" as he smiled smugly.
"OK," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet, a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"
The legislator, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."
To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss global warming, universal health care, or the economy, when you don't know shit?"
And then she went back to reading her book...

Pisoi
18.03.2011, 13:29
Best blonde joke you'll ever read!

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.
In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.
Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, 'When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.'

The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, 'I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, it will cost 99 cents a word.Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.

After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says,
'I want you to send her the word 'comfortable.'

The operator shakes his head. 'How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word 'comfortable?'

The brunette explains, 'My sister's blonde. The word is big.
She'll read it very slowly..... 'com-for-da-bul.'

aramis_13
20.03.2011, 08:06
An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,

'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair,Given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'

aramis_13
20.03.2011, 08:22
Indian Chief „Two Fagles” was asked by a US government official „You have observed the white man for 90 years. You’ve seen his wars and his technological advances. You’ve seen his progress and the damage he’s one.”
The Chief nodded in agreement.
The official continued “Considering this events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?”
The Chief stared at the official then replied:
“When white man find land, Indians running it, no taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, clean water. Women did all the work. Medicine man free. Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing, all night having sex.”
Then Chief leaned back an smiled: “Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that.”

aramis_13
20.03.2011, 08:29
John wants to get his beautiful wife, Emma, something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decides to buy her a mobile telephone. Emma is excited, she loves her phone. John shows her and explains to her all the different and varied features on the phone.

On Monday Emma goes shopping in the local supermarket. Her phone rings and it's her husband, "Hi ya, Emma, "he says, "how do you like your new phone?" Emma replies, "I just love it, it's so small and light and your voice is clear as a bell, but there's one feature that I really don't understand though."
"What's that, Emma?" asks the husband.
"How did you know that I was at Wal-Mart?"

aramis_13
20.03.2011, 08:29
A man, his wife and his mother-in-law went on vacation to the Holy Land. While they were there, the mother-in-law passed away.
The undertaker told them, "You can have her shipped home for £5000, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for £150."
The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.

The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend £5000 to ship your mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to have her buried here and spend only £150?"

The man replied, "a man died here 2000 years ago, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

aramis_13
20.03.2011, 08:37
While she was "flying" down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.

The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?"

To which she replied, "I'm late for work."
Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"
I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.

The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher?
And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"

"Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet wide."

"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole? " he asked.

"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."

Traffic Ticket - $95.00
Court Costs - $45.00
Look on the Cop's Face...............PRICELESS

Pisoi
22.03.2011, 17:24
Why I'm divorced . . .

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning..
I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, 'Happy Birthday!', and possibly have a small present for me.
As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone 'Happy Birthday.'
I thought.... Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids.... They will remember.
My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word..
So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, 'Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday !
It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.
I worked until one o'clock , when Jane knocked on my door and said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me..'
I said, 'Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go !'
We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. She chose instead at a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.


On the way back to the office, Jane said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day... We don't need to go straight back to the office, Do We ?'
I responded, 'I guess not. What do you have in mind ?'
She said, 'Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner..'

After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, ' Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back.' 'Ok.' I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake ...
Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing 'Happy Birthday'.
And I just sat there...
On the couch.... Naked.

Pisoi
23.03.2011, 13:40
WIFE FROM HELL
A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, 'I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.'
The driver says, 'Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating. '
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: 'Now don't be silly, dear -- you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.'
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls,
'Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once !! ?'
The wife smiles demurely and says, 'Well dear you should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did or your speed would have been higher.'
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth,
'Woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?'
The officer frowns and says, 'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir.
That's an automatic $75 fine.'
The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see, officer, I had it on, but I took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.'
The wife says, 'Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.'
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to his wife and barks, 'WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??'
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, 'Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?'

(I love this part)
"Only when he's been drinking.!"

aramis_13
24.03.2011, 07:50
http://ash1-edn1.cdn.avanti247.com/ist1-3.filesor.com/pimpandhost.com/1/_/_/_/1/t/8/5/r/t85r/picdump-10-12-24-018.jpg

Pisoi
24.03.2011, 15:38
A new CEO takes over at a struggling company and decides to get rid of all the slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. He can't believe this guy would just stand around on the job.
The new CEO walks up to the guy leaning against the wall and asks, "What are you doing here?"
"I'm just waiting to get paid," responds the man.
Furious, the CEO asks "How much money do you make a week?"
A little surprised, the young fellow replies, "I make about $300 a week. Why?"
The CEO quickly gets out his checkbook, hands the guy a check made out to CASH for $1,200 and says, "Here's four weeks' pay, now get out and don't come back."
The man puts the check in his pocket and promptly walks out.
Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looks around the room and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what just happened here?"
From across the room comes a voice, "Yeah, you just tipped the pizza delivery guy $1,200."

Pisoi
01.04.2011, 18:29
" FATHER OF THE YEAR "

A man boarded a plane with six kids. (gutsy guy!)

After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked,
"Are all of those kids yours ? "

He replied, " No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints. "

Pisoi
17.05.2011, 14:52
Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers and prospered. Some years later, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who lived far away in another city.

The first said, "I had a big house built for Mama."
The second said, "I had a hundred thousand dollar theater built in the house."
The third said, "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her."
The fourth said, "You know how Mama loved reading the Bible and you know she can't read anymore because she can't see very well. I met this preacher who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took twenty preachers 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years to the church, but it was worth it. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it."

The other brothers were impressed. After the holidays Mom sent out her Thank You notes.

She wrote:
"Milton, the house you built is so huge I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway."

"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home and I have my groceries delivered, so never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks."

"Michael, you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound, it could hold 50 people, but all of my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same."

"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you."

Luv Ya,
MAMA

Pisoi
17.05.2011, 19:55
The Gym

An older man, not in the best physical condition, asked the Trainer in the gym, "I want to impress that beautiful girl. Which machine should I use?"


The trainer replied, "The ATM machine at the bank across the street."

Pisoi
31.05.2011, 20:00
A precious little girl walks into a PetSmart shop and asks, in the sweetest little lips, between two missing teeth:
"Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"
As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks:
"Do you want a widdle white wabbit,or a thoft and fuwwy, bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdlebwown wabbit over there?"
She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts herhands on her knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice:

http://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d9/pisoi/ae595e2b.jpg


"I don't think my pet python weally gives a thit."

Pisoi
23.06.2011, 13:31
One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift. When she asked me why, I replied ,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started .....
________________________________

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed .
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered .. I then said,
'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started ...
________________________________

I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started .....
_______________________________

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed ,
"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
And then the fight started ...
________________________________

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed . But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed , the boat, making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
______________________________

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked , "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And then the fight started ...
________________________________

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed , made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked the boat up to the van and proceed ed to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed , and slipped back into bed . I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different anticipation, and whispered , "The weather out there is terrible.."
My loving wife of 5 years replied , "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
And that's how the fight started ...
_______________________________

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started ......
______________________________

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'
And then the fight started ...
________________________________

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bed room mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
I replied , "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
And then the fight started ........
________________________________

I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!
The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'
So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'
That's how the fight started .

Pisoi
28.06.2011, 15:07
A very successful attorney parked his brand new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he was getting out, a truck came along too closely and completely tore off the driver's door.

Fortunately, a cop in a police car was close enough to see the accident and pulled up behind the Lexus with his lights flashing.
Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the attorney started screaming hysterically about how his Lexus, which he had just purchased the day before, was completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how any car body shop tried to make it new again.

After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important things in life."
"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, "Don't you even realize that your left arm is missing? It was severed when the truck hit you!"
"OH, MY GOD!!!" screamed the lawyer.

"My ROLEX!ā€¯

Pisoi
01.07.2011, 20:07
As we "Silver Surfers" (older folks on the Internet) know, sometimes we have trouble with our computers.
I had a problem yesterday, so I called Eric, the eleven year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over.
Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?
He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired,

'An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'
Eric grinned.... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?
'No,' I replied.
'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'

So I wrote down:

ID10T

I used to like Eric.

Pisoi
08.07.2011, 18:39
A tough looking group of bikers were riding when they saw a girl about to jump off a bridge so they stopped.
The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says,
"What are you doing?"

"I'm going to commit a suicide," she says.

While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity, so he asked,
"Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"

So, she does and it was a long, deep lingering kiss.
After she's finished, the biker says,
"Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting.
You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......"

Pisoi
15.07.2011, 17:56
John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmicks. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change.

One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector. It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.

"Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked John..

"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy.

The robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.

"Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school."

"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." said Tommy.

"What did you watch?" asked Marsha.

"The Ten Commandments." answered Tommy. The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair.

With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen."

"I am ashamed of you son," said John.. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents."

The robot walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.

Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said,
"Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!"
The robot walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.

Pisoi
22.07.2011, 19:20
A sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wanted her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were too loose and floppy.

Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.

Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found 3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed.

Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor. 'I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!'

The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him: 'I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself.'

'The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and understood because she had had the same procedure done some time ago.'

'And what about the third rose?' she asked.

'That's from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears.'

Pisoi
29.07.2011, 18:03
Subject: Lawyer Joke

A very successful attorney parked his brand new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he was getting out, a truck came along too closely and completely tore off the driver's door.

Fortunately, a cop in a police car was close enough to see the accident and pulled up behind the Lexus with his lights flashing.

Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the attorney started screaming hysterically about how his Lexus, which he had just purchased the day before, was completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how any car body shop tried to make it new again.

After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important things in life."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, "Don't you even realize that your left arm is missing? It was severed when the truck hit you!"

"OH, MY GOD!!!" screamed the lawyer.

"My ROLEX!”

Pisoi
10.08.2011, 18:27
A doctor at an insane asylum decided to take his patients to a baseball game.
For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands.
When the day of the game arrived, everything went quite well.

As the National Anthem started, the doctor yelled, "Up Nuts", and the patients complied by standing up. After the anthem, he yelled, "Down Nuts", and they all sat back down in their seats.

After a home run was hit, the doctor yelled, "Cheer Nuts", they all broke out into applause and cheered.

When the umpire made a particularly bad call against the star of the home team, the doctor yelled, "Boo Nuts" and they all started booing and cat calling.

Comfortable with their response, the doctor decided to go get a beer and hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge. When he returned, there was a riot in progress.
Finding his tizzied assistant, the doctor asked, "What in the world happened?"

The assistant replied, "Well everything was going just fine until this guy walked by and yelled,
"PEANUTS!"

Pisoi
19.09.2011, 16:54
A Lady went into a bar in Montana and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table. He had the biggest boots she'd ever seen.
The woman asked the cowboy if it's true what they say about men with big feet being well endowed.
The cowboy grinned and said, 'Shore is, little lady. Why don't you come on out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you?'

The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him. The next morning she handed him a $100 bill.
Blushing, he said, 'Well, thankya, ma'am. Ah'm real flattered. Ain't nobody ever paid me fer mah services before.'
'Don't be flattered... take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit...'

Pisoi
20.09.2011, 17:28
JUST TOO CUTE.

This is the cleanest E-mail joke I've come across in a long while!

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband standing around with a fly swatter

"What are you doing?" She asked .

"Hunting Flies" He responded .

"Oh ! Killing any?" She asked .

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied .

Intrigued , she inquired ."How can you tell them apart?"

"3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone.” he replied .

Pisoi
09.01.2012, 12:36
"Hello?"
Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?"
"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.

After a brief pause,
Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul."
"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now."

Brief pause
"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy, that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.
"Okay, Daddy, Just a minute."

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.
"I did it, Daddy."
"And what happened, honey?" He asked.
"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"
"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?"
"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead."

Long Pause
Longer Pause
Even Longer Pause
Then Daddy says,

"Swimming pool? ............Is this 486-5731?
No, I think you have a wrong number.

Pisoi
19.01.2012, 17:56
At All Saints Lutheran Church in Minneapolis, Minnesota they have a weekly husbands' marriage seminar. At the session last week, the Pastor asked Ole Westrum, who was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.

"Vell," Ole replied to the assembled husbands, "I've tried to treat her nice, spend da money on her, but best of all, I took her to Norvay for da 20th anniversary!"

The Pastor responded, "Ole, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your 50th anniversary.
"Ole proudly replied, "I'm a-gonna go get her!"

Pisoi
30.01.2012, 15:11
Ole's car was hit by a truck in an accident. In court, the trucking company's lawyer was questioning Ole.
'Didn't you say, sir, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' asked the lawyer.
Ole responded, 'Vell, I'll tell you vat happened. I had yust loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into da.....'
'I didn't ask for any details', the lawyer interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?
Ole said, 'Vell, I had yust got Bessie into da trailer and I vas driving down da road.....

The lawyer interrupted again and said, 'Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.'

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Ole's answer and said to the lawyer, 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie'.

Ole thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Vell, as I vas saying, I had yust loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into da trailer and vas driving her down da highvay ven dis huge semi-truck and trailer ran da stop sign and smacked my truck right in da side. I vas trown into one ditch and Bessie vas trown into da other. I vas hurting real bad and didn't vant to move. However, I could hear Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape yust by her groans'. 'Shortly after da accident da Highway Patrolman, he came to da scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he vent over to her'.

'After he looked at her and saw her fatal condition her took out his gun and shot her right 'tween da eyes.
Den da Patrolman, he came across da road, gun still smoking, looked at me and said, 'How are you feeling?'
'Now vat da hell vould YOU say?

Pisoi
15.02.2012, 16:42
Two 90-year-old women, Rose and Barb had been friends all of their lives.
When it was clear that Rose was dying, Barb visited her every day.

One day Barb said, 'Rose, we both loved playing women's softball all our lives, and we played all through High School. Please do me one favor: when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's women's softball there.'
Rose looked up at Barb from her deathbed and said, 'Barb, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favor for you.'

Shortly after that, Rose passed on.

A few nights later, Barb was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to her, 'Barb, Barb.'
'Who is it?', asked Barb, sitting up suddenly. 'Who is it?'
'Barb -- it's me, Rose.'
'You're not Rose. Rose just died.'
'I'm telling you, it's me, Rose,' insisted the voice.
'Rose! Where are you?'
'In Heaven,' replied Rose. 'I have some really good news and a little bad news.'
'Tell me the good news first,' said Barb.

'The good news,' Rose said, 'is that there's softball in Heaven. Better yet all of our old buddies who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always springtime, and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play softball all we want, and we never get tired.'

'That's fantastic,' said Barb. 'It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?'

' You're pitching Tuesday.'

Life is uncertain - eat dessert first.

Pisoi
12.03.2012, 13:39
A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"

He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."

"Ok, Have you ever been in the military service?"

"Yes," he says, "I was in Iraq for one tour."

The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment."
Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles."

The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Okay. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now.
Our normal hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 PM.
You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 am every day."

The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 PM,
why don't you want me here until 10:00 am?"

"This is a government job", the interviewer says.
"For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls.
No point in you coming in for that.

Pisoi
22.03.2012, 16:22
FIRST DEGREE
A married couple was asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The very blonde wife picked up the phone, listened a moment, and said 'How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!' and hung up. The husband said, 'Who was that?' The wife answered, 'I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear.'

SECOND DEGREE
Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, 'Hmm, this person looks familiar.' The second blonde says, 'Here, let me see!'
So, the first blonde hands her the compact.
The second blonde looks in the mirror and says, 'You dummy, it's me!'

THIRD DEGREE
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry.. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells, 'No, honey, don't do it!!!' The blonde replies, 'Shut up, you're next!'

FOURTH DEGREE
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, 'Go ahead, ask me... I know 'em all.' A friend says, 'OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin ?'
The blonde replies, 'Oh, that's easy. Its W.'

FIFTH DEGREE
Q: What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant? A: 'Is it mine?'

SIXTH DEGREE
Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA Freshman, sat in her US Government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about.. Bambi pondered the question; then, finally, said, 'That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware .'

SEVENTH DEGREE
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby, was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, 'I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND COP!'

OKAY, FORWARD THIS TO ANYONE ELSE YOU MIGHT THINK NEEDS A LAUGH TODAY!
p.s. ...no offence to blondes ...not all are the same! :d:

Pisoi
27.03.2012, 15:22
Two nuns were shopping at a 7-11 store. As they passed by the beer cooler, one nun said to the other, " wouldn't a nice cool beer or two taste wonderful on a hot summer evening?"

The second nun answered, "indeed it would, sister, but I would not feel comfortable buying beer, since I am certain it would cause a scene at the checkout stand."

"I can handle that without a problem" the other nun replied, and she picked up a six-pack and headed for the check-out.

The cashier had a surprised look on his face when the two nuns arrived with a six-pack of beer. "we use beer for washing our hair" the nun said, "back at our nunnery, we call it Catholic shampoo.

Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter. Pulled out a package of pretzel sticks, and placed them in the bag with the beer.

He then looked the nun straight in the eye, smiled, and said: "the curlers are on the house."

Pisoi
10.04.2012, 12:32
A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day.
Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said,
"Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?"

Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long.
The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh ... I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend."

Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started Adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.

The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandma's minister.
The minister said, "Hello son, is your Grandma home?"

The little boy replied, "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend."
The minister fainted.

Pisoi
17.04.2012, 19:55
A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud... He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn... When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more... The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it... It would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two Brothers... One is in Arizona, the other is in Colorado... When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together... So I'm drinking one beer for each of my Brothers and one for myself."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there...
The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way... He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn...

One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs... All the regulars take notice and fall silent... When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."
The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs...
"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my Wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."

"Hasn't affected my Brothers though."

Pisoi
02.05.2012, 12:11
OLD people have problems that you haven't even considered yet!

An 85-year-old man was requested by his Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained,
'Well, doc, it's like this -- first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.

'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.

'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing..'

The doctor was shocked!

'You asked your neighbour?'


The old man replied,
'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'

Pisoi
07.05.2012, 17:52
The simple tests are always the best !

President Obama walks into the Texas Last National Bank and says to a cashier, "Good morning Ma'am, could you please cash this check for me?"

Cashier: "It would be my pleasure sir. Could you please show me your ID?"

Obama: "Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am President Barrack Obama, the president of the United States.”

Cashier: "Yes sir, I know who you are, but with all the Government regulations,monitoring of the banks because of imposters and forgers, etc., I mustinsist on seeing ID."

Obama: "Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am."

Cashier: "I am sorry, but these are government and bank rules and I must follow them."

Obama: "I am urging you please to cash this check."

Cashier: "Look, this is what we can do: One day Tiger Woods came into the bankwithout ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putting ironand made a beautiful shot across the bank lobby into a cup. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and we cashed his check."

"Another time, Andre Agassi came in without ID. He pulled out histennis racquet and served an ace shot directly into the center of ourbank logo 90 feet away. With that spectacular shot we cashedhischeck. Sowhat can you do to prove that it is you and only you?"

Obama stood there thinking, and thinking and finallysays: "Honestly,nothing comes to mind. I can't think of a single thing I can do."

Cashier: "Will that be large or small bills, Mr. President?"

aramis_13
16.05.2012, 09:04
nu e poantă, da' e bună!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&amp;v=1pgm8I0B8bY#!

aramis_13
21.06.2012, 11:30
nici asta nu e Po(a)nta, da' e bună:


[quote]"The Prime Minister of Romania was accused that an important part of hid [sic] PhD thesis was plagiarized"
"At the same time, we believe that in order to be take [sic] into account, a plagiarism charge must come from a credible source"
"We consider it our duty to let inform you, by means of this letter, as to the elements that debunk the charges leveled at the Prime Minister"
"These unsubstantiated accusations appear in a particularly hectic moment and their objective is none other than putting pressure on the domestic political debate of Romania. We would like inform you that at the moment, there is a legal dispute between the Government of Romania and the President of Romania as to who is legally responsible of representing the position of our country within the European Council which will be held at the end of July"
"The intention of the authors of this attack, who will not take public responsibility for their action, is mainly to alter the character of the domestic debate on Romania's representation at the European Council in a manned favorable to the incumbent president, Traian Basescu".

Pisoi
10.07.2012, 13:54
After experiencing the discomfort and embarrassment of a prostate test which he was unhappy about the guy decided to have another test carried out in Thailand where the beautiful nurses are rather more gentle and accommodating, so he eventually decided to travel there and have a holiday short break as well.

At the clinic he was asked to strip off, he lay naked on his side on the bed and the nurse began the examination.
"At this stage of the procedure it's quite normal to get an erection" said the nurse.

"I haven't got an erection" said the man.

"Not you, me" replied the nurse.

p.s. ...nici o aluzie la Po(a)nta anterioara! :starsmile:

Pisoi
17.07.2012, 14:15
There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig
http://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d9/pisoi/Diverse/da355e1b.jpg

"Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.
"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can't stand to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," I say.
"I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot,
I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance.
I left my wallet in the cab I took home.
I found my wife with another man... and then my dog bit me."

"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all,
I buy a drink,
I drop the cyanide capsule in
and sit here watching the poison dissolve knowing I only had 8 hrs left to live
and then you show up and drink the whole damn thing!

"But, Hell, enough about me, how are you doing?"

Pisoi
16.08.2012, 19:08
A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden.
He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was.
Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes.

Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground.
He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention.
He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.

'Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?' she asked.
'They're mating,' her father replied.
'What do you call the spider on top?' she asked.
‘A Daddy Longlegs,' her father answered.
'So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?' the little girl asked.

As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied, 'No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs.'
The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then lifted her foot and stomped them flat.

''Well", she said, "that maybe OK in California , but we're not having any of that shit in South Dakota."

Stories about children and their views of the world are always touching.

Pisoi
17.08.2012, 15:29
My wife was screaming at me: "Leave!! Get out of this house!" she ordered.

As I was walking out the door she yelled, "I hope you die a slow and painful death!"

So I turned around and replied "So now you want me to stay?"

Pisoi
26.10.2012, 13:44
Florida

A Florida citizen drove his brand new convertible Corvette out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what hair he had left.
"Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-95, pushing the pedal even more.

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a Florida State Trooper, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this!" and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the trooper got out of his vehicle and walked up to the Corvette. He looked at his watch, then said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a new reason for speeding--a reason I've never before heard -- I'll let you go."

The old gentleman paused then said: "Three years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back.

"Have a good day, Sir," replied the trooper.

Pisoi
14.11.2012, 18:58
A man riding his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said:
"Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.
The biker pulled over and said:
"Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."
The Lord said:
"Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking, the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help man kind."

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said:
"Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand women, I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a Woman truly happy."


The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?
:d:

Pisoi
08.01.2013, 11:49
A U. S. Navy destroyer stops four Mexicans in a row boat rowing towards California.
The Captain gets on the loud- hailer and shouts, "Ahoy, small craft. Where are you headed?"
One of the Mexicans puts down his oar, stands up, and shouts, "We are invading the
United States of America! to reclaim the territory taken by the USA during the 1800's."
The entire crew of the destroyer doubled-over in laughter. When the Captain is finally able
to catch his breath, he gets back on the loud-hailer and asks, "Just the four of you?"
The same Mexican stands up again and shouts, "No, we're the last four. The rest are already there!"

KDEN
08.01.2013, 18:35
Nice one! :)

KDEN
08.01.2013, 18:39
For English press two!

Pisoi
29.01.2013, 19:03
Ever since I was a child, I've always had a fear of someone under my bed at night. So I went to a psychiatrist and told him. . . 'I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.'

'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the psychiatrist. 'Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears..'

'How much do you charge?'
,Eighty dollars per visit,' replied the expert.
I'll sleep on it,' I said.

Six months later, he met me on the street. 'Why didn't you ever come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked.
'Well, eighty bucks a visit three times a week comes to 12,480 Dollars a year . It is an awfullot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!'
'Is that so?' With a bit of an attitude he said, 'and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?'
'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! Ain't nobody under there now!'




SCREW THOSE LEARNED DOCTORS.. GO HAVE A DRINK & TALK TO YOUR BARTENDER!
Life is too short.....drink more beer today and get your problems solved!

Pisoi
30.01.2013, 12:39
A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house. She knocked on the door then immediately walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

"What are you doing?" she asked.
"I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!"
"Mike loves me and wants me to wear this dress," she explained.
"It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me"

The mother-in-law left.
When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch, waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.

"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress," she whispered sensually.
"Needs ironing, "he said. "What's for dinner?

He never saw the punch coming.

Pisoi
01.02.2013, 13:28
Ole, Sven, and Lars decide they are going to Mexico for a vacation. They get falling down drunk and wake up in jail and find out they all have been sentenced to die in the electric chair.

Sven is the first to be strapped in the electric chair and the guards ask if he has any last words. Sven says, "I yust graduated from St. Olaf College in Nortfield, Minnisota, with a degree in divinity studies, and I am a good Christian man.... but if it is God's will for me to die, so be it."

The guards throw the switch and nothing happens. The guards get on their knees and say, "You are surely a Godly man and we are going to let you go."

Lars is next to be strapped into the electric chair and the guards ask if he has any last words. Lars says, "I yust graduated from Concordia college in Moorhead, Minnisota, with a degree in divinity studies, and I am a God fearing man. If it is my time to die, it is God's will."

The guards throw the switch and nothing happens. The guards say, "You also are a Godly man and we are going to let you go."

Ole is the last to be strapped into the electric chair. The guards ask him if he has any last words. Ole says, "Vel, I yust graduated from South Dakota Tech in electrical engineering.... and I'll tell ya right now, if you don't plug dat ting in, it ain't gonna work."

Pisoi
22.02.2013, 17:02
PRE-NUPTIAL AGREEMENT --- SENIOR STYLE

An elderly couple in their 70's were about to get married.

She said: I want to keep my house.

He said: That's fine with me.

She said: I want to keep my Cadillac.

He said: That's fine with me.

She said: I want to have sex 6 times a week.

He said: Put me down for Fridays.




Always REMEMBER this:
You don't stop laughing because you grow old,
You grow old because you stop laughing

Pisoi
01.03.2013, 17:20
http://i116.photobucket.com/albums/o31/pisoi2/Diverse/cid_1_2150606200web184406_mail_bf1_yahoo_zpsa0439f fc.jpg

I was at the bar the other night and overheard three very hefty women talking at the bar.

Their accent appeared to be Scottish, so I approached and asked, "Hello, are you three ladies from Scotland?"

One of them angrily screeched, "It's Wales, Wales you bloody idiot!"

So I apologized and replied, "I am so sorry. Are you three whales from Scotland?"

And that's the last thing I remember.

Pisoi
26.03.2013, 19:17
The teacher asked the class to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.'
The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate, not fascinating'.
Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to see Rock City and I was 'fascinated.'
The teacher said, 'Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.'

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.....She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him.
Johnny said, 'My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight.'
The teacher sat down and cried.

p.s. seems that Little Johnny is some kind of our famous BULA!

Pisoi
29.04.2013, 19:28
http://i116.photobucket.com/albums/o31/pisoi2/Diverse2/dog2_zpsd0cc8a84.jpghttp://i116.photobucket.com/albums/o31/pisoi2/Diverse2/dog1_zpse86ab325.jpg (http://s116.photobucket.com/user/pisoi2/media/Diverse2/dog1_zpse86ab325.jpg.html)


Two women were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman and the other had a Chihuahua . As they walked down the street, the one with the Doberman said to her friend "Let's go over to that bar for a drink."
The lady with the Chihuahua said "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."
The one with the Doberman said "Just watch, and do as I do."

They walked over to the bar and the one with the Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in.
The bouncer at the door said "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."
The woman with the Doberman said "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."
The bouncer said "A Doberman?"
The woman said "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good."
The bouncer said "OK, come on in."

The lady with the Chihuahua thought that convincing the bouncer that a Chihuahua was a seeing-eye dog might be a bit more difficult, but thought "What the heck," so she put on her dark glasses and started to walk in.
Once again the bouncer said "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."
The woman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog." The bouncer said "A Chihuahua?" The woman with the Chihuahua said.....

"What??? A Chihuahua? They gave me a fucking Chihuahua ?!"

Pisoi
27.06.2013, 11:36
For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman.

One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant.

Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he said he would pay her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child.

If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.

To keep it discreet, he told her to simply mail him a postcard and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.

'Honey,' she said, 'you received a very strange postcard today.'

'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said. The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white and fainted.

On the card was written:

Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.

Three with meatballs, two without.

Send extra sauce.

Pisoi
20.08.2013, 19:59
http://i116.photobucket.com/albums/o31/pisoi2/Diverse/cid_1_156629568web184403_mail_bf1_yahoo_zps5cab458 a.gif (http://s116.photobucket.com/user/pisoi2/media/Diverse/cid_1_156629568web184403_mail_bf1_yahoo_zps5cab458 a.gif.html)

I just took a leaflet out of my mailbox, informing me that I can have sex at 70.
I'm so happy, because I live at number 72.
So it's not too far to walk home afterwards.
And, it's the same side of the street.
I don't have to cross the road!
Life is good

Pisoi
10.02.2014, 19:47
Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'prejudice' these days.

A customer asked, "In what aisle can I find the Polish sausage?"
The clerk asks, "Are you Polish?"
The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes, I am. But let me ask you something.
If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?
Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?
Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?
Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?
Or if I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?"

The clerk says, "No, I probably wouldn't."
The guy says, "Well then, because I asked for Polish sausage, why did you
ask me if I'm Polish?"

The clerk replied, "Because you're in Home Depot."

p.s. aramis13, ai gasit "branza de burduf"? :-?

manolica1
14.02.2014, 18:23
A man received message from his indian neighbor:
"Sorry sir, I am using your wife... day and night... when you are not present at home.... In fact - more than you;
I confess because now I feel very much guilty... Hope you will accept my sincere apologies".


... And the man shot his wife.......


A few minutes later he received another message: "Sorry sir, spelling mistake ... wi fi. Not wife".

aramis_13
21.03.2014, 14:16
what's the difference between space aliens and illegal aliens?

A:

ɯoɹɟ ǝɯoɔ ʎǝɥʇ ǝɹǝʍ ʞɔɐq oƃ ʎllɐnsn sǝuo ʇsɹıɟ ǝɥʇ

sorin
18.10.2015, 09:10
Tot pentru aia care cred ca e vineri in fiecare zi a saptamanii ..... :lol:

browneyes
18.10.2015, 13:07
A man received message from his indian neighbor:
"Sorry sir, I am using your wife... day and night... when you are not present at home.... In fact - more than you;
I confess because now I feel very much guilty... Hope you will accept my sincere apologies".


... And the man shot his wife.......


A few minutes later he received another message: "Sorry sir, spelling mistake ... wi fi. Not wife".

That was so cool!!! We work with Indians....it's so true!!;));));));))

aramis_13
18.10.2015, 16:28
An attorney, representing a wealthy art collector, called and asked to speak to his client.
"Saul, I have some good news and I have some bad news."
The art collector replied, "I had an awful day, lets hear the good news first."
The lawyer said, "Well I met your wife today and she informed me that she invested $5000 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of $15 - $20 million; and I think she could be right."
Saul replied enthusiastically, "Well done, my wife is a brilliant business woman! You just made my day! Now I can handle the bad news. What is it?"
The lawyer replied, "The pictures are of you and your secretary."
_____________________________________________

Got in touch with my inner-self today.
I'll never buy cheap one-ply toilet paper again.
_____________________________________________

Sometimes... when you cry... no one sees your tears.
Sometimes... when you are happy... no one sees your smile.
But fart just one time...
_____________________________________________
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
_____________________________________________

Quitting Facebook is the adult version of running away from home.
We all know you're doing it for attention and you'll be back.
_____________________________________________
One Sunday morning, the priest saw little Johnny staring up at the large plaque that hung in the church's foyer.
The plaque was covered with names and small American flags were mounted on either side of it.
"Father Donovan," the boy asked, "what is this?"
"Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service," the priest explained.
They stood together quietly, staring at the memorial plaque.
Little Johnny softly asked, "Which service? The 9:00 or the 10:30?"

sorin
22.01.2016, 13:02
CATHOLIC COFFEE MORNING IN ROME

Four old Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee in St. Peters Square .

The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him
'Father'."

The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him
'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone bows their head and says
'Your Eminence'."

The fourth Catholic man says very proudly, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him
'Your Holiness'."

Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"

She proudly replies, I have a daughter, SLIM & TALL with a beautiful face and stunning figure

When she walks into a room, people say,
Oh MY God!